Mountain Mama

2012-02-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

Joy Dare

Monday, February 6
#79 music class with my son
#80 loads of smiles and giggles from my baby
#81 mother/son "date" to eat ice cream
#82 going to see a movie with John

Tuesday, February 7
gifts that are red
#83 red rain boots handed down through several families
#84 chili enjoyed by all for dinner
#85 red fleece pants keeping my little guy warm as he crawls all around the floor

#86 my son and I working together through trying to be flexible as park plans got shifted by rain
#87 2nd chances
#88 redeemed moments with my boys when I've blown it
#89 brothers giddy from bath splashing together
#90 my son's curiosity about how the world around him works

Wednesday, February 8
#91 my baby's face lighting up and exploding into giggles when he sees me!
#92 the broken lid on my crockpot--I love my crockpot and how it allows me to make dinner for my family while making timing flexible, and I'm so thankful the handle on my lid is hanging in there to make it last!
#93 my husband patiently fixes computer issues for me time after time after time...
#94 reading books to my son that my parents read to me when I was kid
#95 public library--enjoying the thrill of stacks of new books without needing to "own" them

Thursday, February 9
#96 both boys having a fun morning at the park
#97 my son rising to the "big boy" privilege of having a little reading time in bed
#98 my son's delight at the treat of walking to work with Daddy

Friday, February 10
#99 two days at parks this week, which my boys loved
#100 looking down to discover my baby climbing up block stairs at the park--my little adventurer!
#101 our new tradition of "Fort Fridays"
#102 discovering a book Ezekiel loves and made me read a dozen times and laughed every single time!

Saturday, February 11
#103 one on one time with each of my boys today
#104 night out with good food, lovely and quiet little restaurant, wonderful and trusted friends who can share the hard stuff of life, and ice cream!!!
#105 reconnecting with our former neighbor

Sunday, February 12
#106 a working fan
#107 encouragement and challenge from God's Word
#108 the heart, sensitivity, and gift of the worship leader
#109 the reminder of the most amazing gift of all in taking communion
#110 redemption; hard moments in parenting turning around
#111 my husband praying for us
#112 a few moments just to listen

2012-02-05T21:42:00.000-08:00

Joy Dare
This week has been a challenge for me with this! Several things felt like progress last week in having energy and being able to do a few projects I had been wanting to do and with sleep for our little guy. Then sickness came at the end of the week, and the weekend hit with really disrupted sleep again, and it was a huge weight of discouragement for me! I have struggled this week and have often been unable to shake a heaviness and a discouragement and just feeling completely exhausted again.
Today I read a post by a high school student from my Dad's hometown. Her dad was the pastor of one of the churches there where some of my extended family attended. Yesterday, she and her parents were in a car accident, and neither of her parents survived. She also has 3 siblings, and they and the community have experienced such a huge loss in such a tragic event! I read this post she had written, and while she was honest about the pain and the loss and certainly not glib or naive, I was so struck by her heart to thank God for the support she was receiving and for all her parents had given to her life and, mostly, for God Himself for holding her and carrying her through, as she recognized He was the only way she was making it through this experience. What wisdom beyond her years!
The thing with this Joy Dare is that I started it, not to just feel warm and fuzzy about how blessed my life is but to really breed in my heart and reshape my habits of mind around gratitude and praise for the One who is worthy beyond all circumstance! Praise is the thing that lifts my eyes from the hard stuff to the One who is actually able to handle the hard stuff! How quickly I am drawn back into trying to press through it myself when what I really need is to acknowledge that this is beyond my strength but I am loved and known by the Creator of the universe whose strength is made perfect in my weakness.
So, as much as I really struggle to embrace it, today, I am grateful for weakness. And I will continue to remind my soul to be thankful for weakness until it breathes freely in just enjoying the moments that are gifted to me, no matter how messy they are or how messy I am or feel! Until I really embrace the reality that I am loved and valued when there is nothing I have done or accomplished that makes that make sense and stop squirming and striving to prove my worth in my "doing." Until I live receiving and extending true grace.
So, in one sense I have "failed" at the Joy Dare this week, and it was truly feeling like a big fat failure to me. Yet, in another, this is what the point of it is for me anyway--this transforming of my soul, this softening of my heart, this lifting of my soul to really see my beautiful Lord loving and working in me and the life and moments He has given me.

Given that,
#75 Weakness
#76 Grace
#77 The words of a teenager in the midst of her pain
#78 Being loved unconditionally and being valued simply for being the daughter of the God of all creation

2012-01-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

Joy Dare
January 23
43. Rain, washing clean the city air for a time, and the quiet and change of pace it brings for a day
44. Holy Spirit whispers to be patient, to trust Him for these high energy days when my energy is very low
45. Dessert out with my husband
46. Boys laughing together

January 24
47. Fun play time from the simplest of objects--My son and his buddy had a long and totally delighted play time with dried lentils we had gotten for an art project, throwing them up in the air, using them to "fight bugs," and scooting them all around.
48. Taking the time to go back into the grocery store to look for a lost toy--I'm learning in very small steps to slow down and go with the moments, and it was a special memory of the adventure of searching for it.
49. A random concoction put together working out well for dinner
50. French toast cut in dinosaur shapes making my son's day
51. Updating my little one's baby book
52. The dollar bin basket that Isaiah uses to carry around his favorite toys lately

January 25
53. Everything looks greener, fresher, lighter this morning
54. Spontaneous dance party with the boys!
55. Red rain boots of which Isaiah is apparently at least the 4th owner and the freedom to wear them on all the sunny California days just because he wants to

January 26
56. Learning, little by little, to not always be in a hurry with my boys...just enjoying moments
57. Sleeping until 6:45 and a glimmer of hope that we're turning a corner on sleep with the baby
58. Uncontrollable giggles from my son in the back seat at the wind blowing his hair on the highway
59. Naps
60. Baby singing--Little Ezekiel has always been a singer, and it is the most wonderful sound!
61. Isaiah's fascination right now with the story of Jesus' death and resurrection

January 27
62. My son's little hand clasping mine for comfort as he rests to recover from his fever
63. God revealing my insecurities of not being enough for my boys and His reassurance that HE is
64. Winter Dream Tea Latte from a thoughtful friend

January 28
65. Dinner out with girl friends
66. Pinterest reminding me of amazing and dear friends who are far away but close to my heart
67. Letting go for a short break
68. Talking to my mama
69. Healing for my son from the fever

January 29
70. Playdough time
71. My son pointing out the singing of the birds, which I wasn't even noticing
72. My baby singing in the bath
73. Photos and note from friends who live far away but visited this last fall
74. The sweet little faces of my boys captured in those photos and cemented in my heart for all time!

2012-01-22T20:05:00.000-08:00

Joy Dare
January 16
19. A long uninterrupted nap and shower--I'm learning to accept gifts as unearned acts of generosity.
20. The delight on my boys' faces when they were delivering chocolates to me--Don't get me wrong, I loved the chocolates, too, but the excitement of my older one to give me a special present, and the adorable grin of the baby while he held (and munched on) two chocolates in a small wrapped package were all the gifts I could have asked for!
21. A conversation with my husband about totally random interesting things--It seems rare lately that we have (or at least take) the time just to have a conversation that isn't related to our home, parenting, or functioning as a family; it was a refreshing time just to enjoy each other.

January 17
22. Parenting my boys made me pray. I am so thankful and so humbled by the opportunity to parent these two amazing gifts, and sometimes I feel fear creep in when it doesn't seem to be going well, and I have to remember over and over and over again that God is greater in their lives than I am. So I pray.
23. An unlikely gift, but I'm thankful and laughing at the poop in the potty today! We hit a stretch where it was being avoided, and today, not only did he go, but he was delighted with himself and proceeded to describe what each piece looked like!
24. We are starting a series as a whole congregation around the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. I have only finished the first chapter so far, but it draws me back again to this journey that God is pressing me on to let Him transform the deep parts of me and not just try to manage and control and clean up the surface.

January 18
25. 2 Corinthians 12:9 It seems to be the verse I am wrapping my heart and soul around in this season to truly believe and walk in faith that "His grace is sufficient" and that His strength is made perfect in weakness!
26. Jesus shares the two greatest commandments...LOVE! Love Him. Love others. I want to center my life and family and my home around this!!! So simple and yet so challenging!
27. Bible stories with my son at night--I am thankful for the chance to share these with my little boy and that he looks forward to them and asks about them and engages them, and I trust God's promise that His word will not return void.

January 19
28. I had been starting to not feel very well, and I woke up in the middle of the night during one of the baby's rough stretches feeling really, really awful. I thought about the next morning and had the hope that maybe my husband could take half a day off of work so that I could go in to see the doctor. A major struggle for me that God is really pressing me on is to admit I need help and to accept it. The next morning before I said anything, John suggested taking a half day off so that he could take Isaiah to the museum, which Isaiah had been so looking forward to. In spite of that huge blessing, I still had to fight the impulse in myself to say no and suggest that I just figure out a way to handle the day, but thankfully, I accepted. It was so needed and such a blessing that I nearly missed, but I am so thankful for the little steps of walking more fully in God's grace for me!
29. Time to just sit and smile with my baby
30. A slow, unrushed walk with my boys, noticing leaves and signs and flowers and grass and tree bark and little gifts in our little urban corner.

January 20
31. My son's excitement to be able to pick out library books and the pleasure of watching him get engrossed in "reading" them
32. Ice cream treats
33. A sweet and trusted babysitter for the boys who loves on them and navigates even tricky times gracefully

January 21
34. My boys' affection for each other
35. My baby's delight at faces and people
36. The fabric store--It is fun to choose the pieces for a project for my son with him, but it also reminds me of the many times of carefully choosing patterns and fabric, a treasured outing with my mama at least once a year as she patiently taught me to sew.
37. Discovering a video, as I sorted through last year's, of my son holding my baby on his first day home

January 22
38. Loving parents who delight in being involved in my children's lives and invest so much to do that across the distance
39. Quiet home tonight
40. My son's enthusiasm about meals lately: "This is a yummy, yummy meal, Mom!"
41. Blogs of many amazing women that I've discovered lately that inspire, encourage, and speak truth
42. Sitting quietly together with John, both reading

Joy Dare

2012-01-15T21:03:00.000-08:00

JOY DARE 2012 (see page for explanation)

January 10
1. Sweets in general--With nursing my baby, I've had such a craving for sweets, and I feel really struck in thinking of something sweet today what a luxury it is to have desserts at all, and I'm thankful for being able to ENJOY food! Sweets speak to me of "extra," of abundance.
2. Being able to feed my children healthy food and having plenty of food to feed them.
3. Comfort Food--As I ate my poached egg and toast, I thought of the many times my mom would make me soft-boiled eggs and toast when I was sick, and I'm thankful to have been loved and nurtured as a child and that certain foods still trigger that feeling for me.

January 11
4. The color yellow itself gives me joy because it is my son's favorite color, and he gets excited about seeing things in his favorite color.
5. My boys and this yellow laptop--It has often seemed on its last leg, but this computer is still hanging in there for us, and both boys have always been drawn to play with it. Seeing my baby stretching over the edge of the couch to reach the laptop or bang with his screaming, grunting delight is a little treat in my day.
6. Stomp rocket--My parents bought a little rocket launcher for Isaiah that you hit with your foot to launch the foam rockets. Isaiah has gotten such delight out of it, and when he took it to the playground, it became this sweet vehicle for him to engage other kids in a newly bold way that was very special to him, really fun for them all, and a really treasured moment for me to stand back and watch.

January 12
7. Deciduous tree leaves--Isaiah recently learned the word "deciduous" from Sesame Street, so it has been drawing his, and therefore my, attention to all the leaves above us in the trees. I am always struck by the variety in them! But, with the focus on "deciduous," I am also struck by the amazing process of making all things new, even through paths that seem bare and dead!
8. Our bedroom floor--It is just beautiful to me and feels like such a treat to have been able to put it in. I'm really enjoying having laminate on most of the floors in our new-ish home, actually.
9. My son's sweet face inches from mine, joining in singing a bedtime song, "From the Rising of the Sun."

January 13
10. My baby's laugh--When someone makes a raspberry noise, he just giggles with total delight, and it is most adorable and infectious sound!
11. "Mommy...Mommy...Mommy"--It seems like it comes out of my toddler's mouth several hundred times a day, and sometimes it stretches my patience, but I am remembering how thankful I am to be able to be here, home full-time with him to hear all of those and that he loves and trusts me to call on me all throughout the moments of his day.
12. The turn of the key when my husband is arriving home from work!

January 14
13. A visit from a friend I rarely see who is just a treat to be around
14. Having two boys who eat well and having plenty of good food to feed them. Also really thankful for experiencing some grace in not always having the "ideal" meals that I'd like to have prepared for them! I have struggled with being really hard on myself about this, but my husband and my boys flow with my shortcomings in energy in this area during this season really graciously, and it has been a very obvious area of life that I have had to yield and release the weight of my own expectations. Still struggle often but thankful for experiencing grace here.
15. As I pass on some baby hand-me-downs to my friend, I am reminded of how generously and graciously we have been provided for in the things we have needed (and way beyond actual needs!) for our boys!

January 15
16. Hearing "Daddy, I'm doing it!" as my son delighted in helping Daddy with the task of trimming ivy from the patio. He so delights in pleasing us!
17. After a discouraging discipline interaction, my son crawled in my lap during bedtime songs. I am so grateful that God is bigger in my boys' lives than even my greatest strengths of parenting but especially that His strength is made perfect in my weakness! Learning to connect to this truth!
18. My pajama pants--They are so soft, and they are part of a gift from my sweet mom that represents a tradition passed down for generations.

Saving Bath Time

2011-05-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

Isaiah has been hating the bath lately. I mean, total melt-down, everyone's miserable, really hating it! It's weird because he used to love the bath, so I'm not sure what happened, but I was determined to do something! (Side note: We had already tried a lot of stuff hoping to return bath time to the happy days gone by!)

I had seen directions for making your own bath crayons in Super Baby Food that I had wanted to try. I thought maybe Isaiah would enjoy helping to make them, plus they wouldn't have all that junk I can't even pronounce like the ones you buy in the store. So, we gave it a try. Isaiah was super excited about the idea and couldn't wait to do it once I told him.
Basically, you use soap flakes or grate mild bar soap. I didn't know where to find soap flakes, so we grated bars of Ivory soap. The directions say to add one tablespoon of hot water slowly to 1/4 cup of soap flakes. It was hard to stir, so I stirred while Isaiah put in the water and food coloring. Asking a toddler to pour something in slowly is a little worthless, but he was enjoying our project. We put it into sections of an ice cube tray and let it dry. At some point a couple days later we popped it out to let the bottom dry better as well.
Isaiah told everyone who came over about our bath crayons and showed them off. As you can see from the picture, they weren't pretty! Unfortunately, their function was about as poor as they look. They were fun to try but not very effective at writing/drawing in the bath. Maybe more food coloring next time? They get slimy pretty quickly, too.

So, the bath crayons were not terribly successful, and I still have a ziploc bag of grated soap, but the experience was fun, and Isaiah actually got excited about bath time to use them. It didn't entirely save bath time, though, and the funny random thing that seems to have come to the rescue, at least for now, is a song I pulled out on a whim from Sesame Street. In the Puddle Jumping episode open, Baby Bear sings a song about singing in the shower. I have been married long enough to a man who makes up songs or changes the words constantly, so I made a little spontaneous adaptation for the bath, and he thought it was the greatest thing on the planet. So far, all we have to do if the fussing starts is start to sing the song, and we're golden!

Also, Isaiah has grown resistant to veggies at times, but he asked for thirds the other night because of the Veggies Revolt episode and kept going, "Crunch. Healthy." I have to admit that I am less than thrilled about Isaiah watching much TV, but I have to admit Sesame Street has come through for us lately! Thanks, PBS!

Lessons on Grace

2011-05-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

Both boys are actually napping, so I probably should be as well, but here I am jotting down my thoughts instead. I received a message the other day from a former student, and as I started thinking about it, I realized that she is now the same age I was when I was teaching her! It really struck me that I have now been in Los Angeles for 11 years! Today I find myself thinking about how very different my life is now than when I moved here.

I drove out to Los Angeles in the summer of 2000. I knew no one out here. I moved into an apartment by myself in South Central and started my job teaching middle school math there. John has described his first impressions when he saw me come in to his small group with my nose ring and toting my djembe on my back and my hippie clothes.

Today I am in one of three pairs of black work-out type pants that are the extent of pants that fit me right now, staying home full-time with my two boys, making dinner.

I moved here to determined to save the world and today feel pleased at having made dinner.

Life is challenging in new ways now, and it has stretched me a lot! It is not, in many ways, as comfortable for me as my early days in LA. I would have been pretty terrified, in fact, if you had told me at that time that this is what my life would be like right now. But, besides the most obvious reasons that I am so thankful for my life now--a wonderful husband and two beautiful, amazing boys--I feel like I am starting to understand grace.

Speaking of life being different, it is now two days later that I'm actually able to finish this post!

I used to get a lot of awe from people when I told them what I did and where I lived, and I have to admit that I liked that. I have been a really driven person for as long as I can remember, and I needed to be doing something that felt important and hardcore. Don't get me wrong; I loved what I did. But, I needed it. I have felt good at a lot of things in this life, but "good" never seemed enough. I was always striving to be PERFECT--the perfect student, the perfect teacher, the perfect Christian, the perfect person. I have struggled to come to terms with the reality that, not only does that not exist, it treats Christ's sacrifice on the cross as if it means nothing!

As I made dinner Monday, that old voice came into my head to think how pathetic it was that I was feeling successful for having made dinner one day. What a different measuring stick than what I used to have! But, then I felt such a peace. I didn't need to accomplish something, even this little thing, to have more value or to be a good mom or wife or prove anything to myself or someone else. I just had the chance to extend something of myself to try to bless my husband and my family with a show of affection for them. I could embrace the joy of something so seemingly insignificant because MY significance wasn't wrapped up in it or in feeling the weight to do more.

My life isn't glamorous these days, but I have a loving husband who honors me and our family and extends grace to me in so many ways, a toddler who is curious and fun and smart and compassionate, and a baby boy who is healthy and beautiful. It is a valuable way to spend my life, and I am thankful. And, most of all, I am thankful for God's grace that I can finally realize (and at least some days remember and embrace!) that whether I do seemingly big or small things or even feel that I have nothing at all to give and am utterly failing at life, I am a beloved daughter of the King.

Things have changed. And grace has changed me!

I struggle with it daily, but I'm thankful for the glimpses of His grace and moments to experience it!

Big Name for a Little Guy

2011-02-24T21:02:00.000-08:00

We had trouble choosing a name for our second little boy. We really didn't want to sound like crazy Christian compound folks with a grip of Old Testament prophets for names or to feel like we had to stick specifically with a Biblical name, but we also had chosen a name for our first son (Isaiah Jackson) that had so much meaning to us, that we couldn't handle the thought of a name that just sort of sounded ok and was just an average name to us. Plus, Isaiah has a ton of little friends right around his age that have used a lot of names that we really like! So, at the risk of sounding like the wacky Christians (we already without knowing we were considering this name got two family members joking about this as a potential name), we are diving in with this little guy...Ezekiel Shalom Snowden.

John had, for a long time, liked the name Ezekiel. I took a bit longer to come around to it. :) We kept considering a bunch of other names, and there are quite a few that seemed fine to us, but nothing just seemed to connect or feel that special to us.

Ezekiel means "God will strengthen" or "Strength of God." I think that has been a particularly meaningful message to me during this pregnancy. We have been through a lot of transition in this season and many big things, and even though most of them were good, it has definitely been a season of stretching me way beyond the limits of my own human strength. I've written before the challenges for me in some of that, and there is a lifelong lesson for me in learning to really rely on God as my strength and trust His strength to be sufficient, but it has been a particularly fresh lesson in this season that has gotten taken to much greater depths. As I've wrestled with some fears and anxieties through this pregnancy, I particularly felt a few weeks ago, during a group time I am a part of with other moms at the Vineyard, the Lord encourage me with and impress on me this message again--that HE will strengthen! May our son be a testimony of God's strength and the beauty of a life lived in dependence on Him!

Shalom means "peace." But, the thing about this word that is so amazing to me is that it is so much bigger and deeper than the way we often think of peace. It isn't just the absence of conflict; it is that state of all things being completely the way God originally intended them to be. Fully restored and redeemed and in the state of perfect peace as God created them. Fullness of life. I can't imagine anything more beautiful than to think of our son being an agent of God's restoration and redemption in this world, pointing to God's glory and fullness of life and peace. Shalom. The prophet Ezekiel in the Old Testament was an agent of redemption of culture and restoration of God's people, though being obedient to being God in that brought tremendous challenges. Ezekiel was God's voice to bring His people back to His plans and purposes when nothing around him made that an easy or popular message or action. May both of our sons stand with courage against culture, injustices, and the wrongs around them to restore and redeem God's plans and purposes around them for this world and His people!

And so, we now proudly introduce our little Ezekiel Shalom!

Re-Entry Blues

2011-01-28T13:40:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe that we've been back from Nepal now for 2 months! I realized that I should probably change the name of my blog, now that I am not actually a "Mountain" Mama anymore for this season. :(
I don't have any clever ideas to replace it, though, so for now, it will just have to stay.

The fact that it has been far longer since my last post than between postings while navigating life in a third-world country is an indicator of the adjustment it has been. Honestly, it was a rough landing coming back! I knew, on some level, it would be jarring and that there would be hard things about coming back, but I wasn't prepared for the extent of what I felt and experienced coming back. It seemed so difficult to feel "normal" again, despite being in the place that has been home now for us for many years.

One challenge was the obvious jetlag. Jetlag is no fun. Jetlag with a toddler who is also jetlagging is really not fun! Then Isaiah caught a cold, which added to the poor sleep at night. A series of circumstances proceeded that just felt like they kept putting off any sense of "normalcy" or routine returning.

In hindsight, it was not a great choice to return right before Christmas. For one, I absolutely love Christmas and get all kinds of ideals in my head for it being a special celebration, and I just didn't have the energy to pull off much of anything, especially with none of us feeling that well. Also, LA is a particularly weird place at Christmas. We had some very good friends who stayed here for the holiday, but the Westside is a place that largely empties out for Christmas. So, going to services at our church felt strange and empty, and it felt like we were home quite awhile before we actually got to spend time with a lot of people we would normally see often here. I think I expected at least a lot of logistics to be easier getting back. I was thinking of the convenience of just getting in the car and driving to the store and buying whatever I needed. But, even those aspects of life felt surprisingly draining upon return. It was raining a lot when we got back, and considering that it only does that for a short stretch every year, the driving and traffic get bad. Parking lots and stores were chaotic and packed, and a lot of people just seemed "on edge."

Perhaps one of the most frustrating dynamics of returning at that time of year was the hyper-intensified commercialism. LA is always a place where the marketing and materialism is at an abnormally high level, but Christmas time gets worse. And, having just returned from a third-world country, it felt like a really extreme contrast and bit of a shock. Having come from a place where the majority of the population has little to no disposable income and most things are that of necessity, it just felt jarring to be surrounded by so much stuff that no one ever needs and people frantically running around to get it. I made the huge mistake of going to Toys'R'Us on Dec. 22 because I had a store credit I thought we could use to get a little present for Isaiah. Almost completely pushed me over the edge! There are so many challenges of raising kids in Nepal, but I just felt so aware of the snares of life here and not wanting my son to grow up thinking all this materialism is the norm. Bleh.

Just as I thought maybe I was starting to hit a stride and get back into some sense of routine and settling in here, I hit that last stretch of pregnancy that just knocked the wind out of me. I've felt so exhausted, and it has been frustrating to feel like I lost a month of time that seemed almost like an out of body experience when I was wanting to get settled and prepared for the next little one to come and soak up some time with just Isaiah.

We have been able to get a lot of things prepared around the apartment, and in many ways, we are in a "normal" pattern of life, but I have to say that I still feel sort of unsettled and struggling to sort through my thoughts and feelings and vision and plans for life. For sure, hormones of late pregnancy don't help! I just want to connect to a sense of a purpose and a firm place for us to stand here or wherever we are. I can't help but feel like there is a lot of life that I can't quite make sense out of right now, and it hard to see quite where we fit here. I feel a bit overwhelmed heading into a new season of expanding family (and sleep deprivation!) with so little energy and so much feeling beyond my control. I suppose that is actually a much needed place for me to be, though, as the reality is that I can't control life or make it all fit into place. Have been reminded AGAIN (seems like I need constant reminders of this!) that I need to ABIDE in Christ! I need to rely on Him for strength and to be my source. As I battle anxieties or fears or frustrations, I so deeply need to remember that what I need is HIM!

Parenting Reflections, Volume 1

2010-12-14T01:13:00.000-08:00

So, the whole time I've been here, I've been talking about blogging about the many thoughts and issues that have come up with parenting in this place and season for me. I figured with less than a week less, perhaps I should actually start on that. There are a ton of different aspects of it that would make it an overwhelmingly long post to write or read, so I'll try to jump in on one thing for now: Control.
For any who know me well, I am a control freak in a long recovery and learning process! From the time I was a kid, I have been a pretty Type A, structured, black and white person who likes my lists and schedules and plans and structures. And, well, let's be honest, control. Even when I took the test from the Now, Discover Your Strengths book, one of my top 3 came back as Control (can't remember how that was framed as a strength exactly, but hopefully, I'll continue to let God redeem it as one). I make light of it sometimes, but it truly has been a challenge for me as an adult to release this.
There have been many seasons and layers of lessons in this arena. Becoming a parent has, without a doubt, been one of the biggest challenges to my "need" for control, as there is so much that is just not able to be controlled and that I have HAD to come face to face with needing to be in someone's control (God) who is far superior to me! So, parenting in general has been a huge challenge in this arena, but coming here to Nepal has taken it to a whole new level!

The first month here Isaiah had some sort of health issue pretty much the whole time. I was wrapping up my first trimester of pregnancy, so I was exhausted regardless of the circumstances. The travel didn't go especially easily getting here with Isaiah's sleep (or lack of), jet lag was rough and moved into a lot of pretty limited sleep nights because of all his health stuff. So, I was feeling completely depleted. And, here was my beloved little boy struggling with one physical malady after another. Now, I know kids get sick anywhere, but the possibilities of what it could be here are pretty scary, AND it was a brand new place where I didn't know how to take care of anything for him. There aren't any 24-hr pharmacies. It's hard to navigate communication and randomness at the pharmacies to even get what you want, and often it's not available here. I didn't even know how to clean stuff here when he was vomiting all over it in the middle of the night! There was no ability to even operate under any slight illusion that I had any control in it all! It was a horrible feeling that I really and truly wrestled through. I felt like I couldn't even figure out how to do the one thing I had set as my role during that time of coming--to take care of my son!

The thing about releasing control is that there is an assumption of it being released TO someone. It isn't like I had a choice to release control in this situation; it wasn't within my grasp. But, what felt perhaps the most difficult of all is that I couldn't see any control in it anywhere. I kept trying to tell myself that God was in control and praying for Him to take care of my little boy. I was trying really hard to trust that, but in the middle of the night one of the nights when Isaiah couldn't stop throwing up, and I was just completely at the end of myself, I have to be honest that I got angry. Really, really honest moment...I thought, God, I know that I need to trust that You are in control and that it never really has been within my control to take care of my son. I know I need to trust that He is and always has been in Your hands. Well, right now, you're doing a pretty crappy job! How am I supposed to feel good about that?! I'm completely at the end of myself, and I am mad that I don't see You here!

I had a pretty dramatic crying jag, followed by being so exhausted that I fell asleep for a bit. In the morning I was reminded of the story of Hagar and Ishmael. When I was younger, my Grandpa and Grandma had this old Bible-story book, and whenever I spent the night there, I got to choose a Bible story to read at breakfast. I always picked that story. I think I really loved the picture in that book for that story, and I can vividly remember it still. It's not a typical kid story to love, I suppose. I think there are a lot of reasons why God may have put that story on my heart as a kid, but one could be for my time as a mom. I turned to it in Genesis and read. Their circumstances were much different obviously. Ishmael was born as a result of Abraham and Sarah's disobedience, and then Hagar was sent away because of Sarah's jealousy. My son is a blessing and a joy, which actually made it seem all the more true that, if God would take care of Ishmael and Hagar, how much more certain that He would be there for my little boy?
In the story, their food and water runs out, they are completely alone, and they are in the desert. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but that is how I felt. I felt alone and completely stripped of any resources and powerless to do anything but watch my little boy hurting. Hagar went off to weep because she couldn't bear to watch her son die. Then, in Genesis 21:17, it says, "God heard the boy crying..." Even that simple phrase struck me. I didn't see action in the timing I wanted, and it made me feel like God wasn't even paying attention, but it was a reassurance of Him saying to me that He heard my boy crying, too. "...the angel of the God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, 'What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.' Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink."

Now, I didn't have any wells or instant cures pop up in front of my eyes, but I felt a renewed strength to pick up my little boy and lift Him back up to his source of strength that actually WAS seeing and hearing. It wasn't all smooth from the moment on. Isaiah continued to have some rough stuff for awhile, and he has gotten sick pretty often during our time here. Sometimes I handle it better than others. But, God hears. He sees my little boy and cares for Him, and no matter how hard I want to fight to pretend I'm in control, this place has been a glaring reminder (often in dramatic ways) that I am absolutely NOT. And, I have to trust that God is. Sometimes I see it; sometimes I don't. Sometimes it works out quickly and smoothly, but it has been the most dramatic times when the breakthrough hasn't come right away that I have been stretched and broken and brought to the end of myself in ways that I have not been before. It sucks, let's be honest, but it is necessary. I can't say that I trust God to take care of my son or to be in control in His life if I'm, even subconsciously, still holding on as if his life or wellbeing is within my control. It's subtle at times when things are easy or get resolved quickly, but in those times of greater intensity, I realize how much I have operated as if I am the one running the show.

There is much theology wrapped up in a lot of this that I could go into at great depths, but I will say just briefly that I believe deep in my heart (though it is a tremendous challenge to cling to at times) that God is both completely good and loving and also in ultimate control. I praise Him that Isaiah, though it's been rough, is in no lasting danger, and I have gotten to see God's protection over Him, even if not in my timing. So, it may seem easy at this end of things to once again say that I believe God is in control, but it really did come in the middle of things being rough. It wasn't about me learning a lesson from it. Vineyard theology of the "already and not yet" kingdom of God has been incredibly freeing and amazing and challenging and challenging to me in the past couple of years. If anyone happens to read this and wants to dig into that more, I highly recommend Derek Morphew's book Breakthrough. I had actually read it before Isaiah was born, but as we all know, sometimes things we've learned go out the window when we are experiencing something hard! Anyway, I believe that there is a very real battle in the spiritual realm, and a blog for another day is the ways I have seen that so much more vividly here, but in the midst of the battle, even that seemingly simple affirmation that God hears shook me and released something in me. I don't get to control the way God is in control of things! I have seen all the more the need to battle for my son in prayer, but I have been stripped to a painfully good place from my illusions of control in his life. It's not all gone forever, but I pray that the Lord will keep me in that state of admitting my lack of control and relying on Him in the life of my family! May He make it something beautiful in my life and theirs!

Mixed Emotions

2010-12-07T05:44:00.000-08:00

Our time is quickly drawing to a close here in Nepal, and I have found myself experiencing quite a mix of emotions. There are so many thoughts and feelings to sort through, and let's be honest, pregnancy is not the time of utmost clarity to sort through those things!
I'm sure there will much to reflect on and continue to process as we return to the States. Perhaps the single biggest thing is that we don't know whether we will be coming back to Nepal. So, there is still an uncertainty in what is ahead for us. I had felt quite anxious recently about the lack of clarity in that, but I have felt more peace lately and have realized that we don't have to have it all clear and settled yet. What we do know is that we will be returning to Los Angeles in a couple weeks and will be there until at least a couple months after the baby is due, which means we wouldn't be making any big moves before summer anyway. That gives us time that we probably really need to both process our time here and also just see how life back in Los Angeles would fit for us after this season. I just need to learn to live more patiently and graciously in the times of life that aren't so clear (which seems to be a large majority of it!). That is a challenge for me. I like lists and plans and calendars and black and white answers!
We have definitely learned some things about ourselves in this season (which is probably a long post unto itself), and that helps as we move ahead, though there is still much to process about what really God has crafted us uniquely for. I don't believe there is necessarily a concrete definite singular job/location/vocation God has for us, but I long to connect more of the pieces of our hearts and gifts with some vision of how we can uniquely be part of God's kingdom work.

Stepping back again from the big picture, there are a lot of thoughts and feelings to sort through about our time here. Even the length of time itself has been hard to wrap my brain around at times. In some ways, it feels like we just got here and time has flown by and there has hardly been enough time. In other ways, I feel like we have been gone for such a long time and been away for so much of life with those who are very precious to us.

I am feeling so excited to be back home in Los Angeles and to see family and friends and do (and eat!) things we've missed. But, I also have felt surprised recently that I am feeling sad to leave here. Again, the pregnancy hormones don't help this, but one day, I can hardly bear the thought of leaving Los Angeles more long-term, and then the next day, I feel saddened by the thought of letting go of life here and its possibilities. Ups and downs and all kinds of sideways!
Life here has certainly not been easy. I had a hard time at first here. To be honest, I was fairly miserable the first month. And, as my pregnancy progresses, I have to admit that life here is just not comfortable. I am not sure life anywhere is all that comfortable in the last trimester of pregnancy, but there are definitely extra challenges and drains to life here.
Yet, I have tried to jump in and invest in making life a joy here. And it has ended up being a joy. I mean, certainly not all fun and games. But, I have made myself at home here to a certain degree. We are approaching the time of saying goodbyes to people and even places and things that have been such a blessing (or some at least a source of amusement or adventure). The only way to avoid goodbyes being difficult is to avoid investing at all, and that is no way to live, but it certainly is more difficult to invest myself in a place and relationships that may only be for this short season. It was critical, however, in figuring out whether life would fit here (or anywhere) for me.
I have always been a very independent person, and I have known for quite some time that I am significantly an introvert. With those two things, along with probably broken ways we process some of life, I have often not realized the impact of relationships in my life. I have realized over the years, and again to a deeper level here, that I don't enjoy doing life alone. I don't need hoards of friends or tons of social connections; in fact, I get burned out quickly in that. But, I long to share life with a few people closely and intimately. I am so thankful for John, but there is also a deep need I have for female friends to really "do life" with. I had a few friends I have made here over today for a little Christmas fun time with our kids, and as I realized I feel sad to leave them. Certainly, none of these friendships has grown to the depth I would long for, but it has been an encouragement to me that, even in this short season, God has provided glimpses of that for me here. It reminds me that He has always provided for me in this area in the past. Sure, I have gone through times in a new place or a new phase or in saying goodbyes to friends moving on that have been hard and felt the absense of that in my life, but within the broader scope of each season of life, I realize how incredibly blessed I have been with deep friendships and even mentors with whom to share and connect life! Undoubtedly, the most difficult thing for me in leaving Los Angeles, even for a season, was leaving some of the most amazing and precious relationships I have experienced in life. Sharing life in parenting has been a whole new level of connecting our lives, and I am so very grateful for those the Lord has provided for me in this. And, while, even now, my eyes are welling up at the thought of leaving those for a longer time, I have also come to feel the Lord showing me how He has provided something beautiful and amazing that will be a lasting connection and blessing even if not in the same location and that He will provide for me in this wherever I am. It may take a hard season of sowing and seeking that out, and it may end with some tearing again at the end of another life season, but it has been a reminder to me of His incredible provision, as I look back at how He has provided for me in this, long before I even knew or could admit that I needed it.

On perhaps a less deep level, I am both looking forward to and dreading some of the comforts of life. I surely miss the ease of life at times, and yet, sometimes lately, I feel like life will seem quite dull in a place that is easier, and I fear slipping too easily back into being "comfortable" with life. I don't want to just remember to be thankful for what we have; I want to not just go back to having all the stuff and comforts we have. It would be easy to go to an extreme that could never be long-lasting, and I don't want to be foolish about denying what makes life work in a place, but I don't want to just slip back into patterns of what is "easy" without being intentional about what is good!

Well, I can feel myself wearing out for the evening. It was a good day of having friends over, but as I often do, I underestimated the energy involved in getting ready and preparing things the way I hoped to, so I am rather wiped out tonight, especially since Isaiah couldn't calm down for a nap today! There is much more to say/write and process in all of this, but I think I am done for tonight.

Random Thoughts

2010-12-01T06:45:00.000-08:00

Seriously, this is a random connection of things tonight...

Isaiah has not been sleeping well at night again. Every time he gets sick (which has been often here) he goes through a stretch of readjusting his nighttime sleep to normal after he's feeling better. It doesn't leave much time of normal sleep until it seems a new bug of some sort hits, and we start over. Plus, it is getting cold at night. There isn't any heat inside, so it makes nights pretty chilly in the apartment. Isaiah is a little wiggle worm still, so it is hard to keep him covered up well. We layer pajamas and try to tuck him in, but his room is the coldest in the apartment because it's on a corner. We're hesitant to buy too much stuff that we don't know will help with only a few weeks left, but last night, we broke down, and John went and bought a big fuzzy (and pretty darn ugly) blanket for him. He insists on pushing his sleeves up, though, and he doesn't want his arms under the covers. He does frequently sleep with penguin (who smells horrible!) covering his face. Don't know how he stands the smell, but perhaps it helps keep him warm?

Isaiah and I went this morning to a big play place they have at a new mall being built in Kathmandu. One of the other moms I know had told us about it. She was talking about telling a taxi how to get there, but of course, being a determined frugal mom, I decided to take the microbus. It lets out right by the mall! Granted, you have to cram in with a LOT of other people, make a bunch of stops on the way, and then cross some chaotic traffic from the stop, but hey, it's only 15 rupees! :)
The play place was great! They had little rides, so Isaiah got to ride a train and a little helicopter ferris wheel thing. I yelled at a couple kids at the ferris wheel. Isaiah was waiting for his turn. That's not really something that is part of the culture here--waiting your turn. And lines...forget it! I know that, and I should probably roll with it a lot better than I do, but there is some sense of what feels fair (not to mention considerate) that just rises up in me every time I am waiting for something and someone shoves in front of me. This time, I was waiting with Isaiah, and a group of kids came barreling through and just about trampled him in the process of pushing past him to the ride. I lost it a bit, unfortunately. Culturally insensitive probably, but is it really just my Western cultural indoctrination that thinks it isn't ok to just roll right over a little kid to get something you want?
Anyway, other than that, the play place was really fun! There was a nice ball pit with slides into it and tons of stuff to climb on and space to run around. There were tons of things that wouldn't meet safety standards anywhere in the U.S., which always makes me laugh. But, it also made me think and wonder about the extremes we've gone to with all of the safety standards and liability issues and all. Now, there are ridiculous death traps all over the place here passed off as kids' play areas, but this one had stuff that kids could definitely get hurt on but really nothing serious, I think. I remember a ton of fun stuff that we used to play on and do in gym class and whatnot as a kid that would never be allowed now in the States. There were injuries, but I think there is a certain extent to which exploring your world and learning what is safe and what isn't and having some bumps and bruises along the way is a reasonable, probably even healthy part of childhood. I wonder if we're padding and cushioning our kids to the point that they become reliant on something external to always protect them from harm and know where the limits and boundaries are and never have to learn for themselves how to just make reasonable choices.

The mall itself made me laugh a bit. They are clearly trying to make a very modern, Western-looking mall. There are escalators and glass elevators (which seem interesting choices for a country that has electricity issues). Even the outside is clearly being laid with tiles and glass to look very hip and "nice." But, in the middle of it is some guy with a broken pile of bricks hacking at a big piece of something with a little handsaw and another guy climbing a rickety ladder to do some cobbled-up wiring. It's kind of a funny scene of bizarre juxtapositions.

We ate lunch in the food court, and Isaiah was excited when I told him he could get a cheeseburger. There were veggie burgers, buff burgers, and "hamburgers" on the menu. I assumed (apparently incorrectly) that hamburgers would be beef. It was a bit disappointing to end up with a giant veggie burger. Now, I like veggie burgers, but don't think nice smooth Boca or something akin to that. Think big hunks of chewy unidentifiable veggies stuck together somehow. It doesn't taste that bad, but the texture is unpleasant and particularly hard for a toddler to chew through, and it was a bit of a letdown when we thought we were getting a "real" burger. I told Isaiah we can go to In'N'Out when we get back, eat cheeseburgers and watch the planes. I told him Grandpa and Grandma would probably enjoy going with us since they'll be visiting us soon after we're back. He said, "Grandpa, Grandma, veggie burgers no like." He's probably right! :)

It was a fun outing, though I'm not sure if it's worth the traffic and effort of getting there. Kathmandu traffic is not pleasant. No traffic is pleasant. But there is something about sitting in a crammed microbus with the nasty emissions and dust that adds a little layer to the experience.

I am teaching Muna how to make some Western dishes before I go. Yesterday we made chocolate peanut butter squares! She is quite shy about things sometimes, so I can't tell if she thinks it's fun or not. I think she likes learning new recipes, though. One more proof of her superhuman status yesterday was when we were melting the chocolate chips. I had them in a metal bowl set on top of a saucepan with water in it on the burning. So, the metal bowl is not directly on the heat source, but it is a METAL bowl that is melting chocolate. I was starting to stir it, and she was going to take over doing it. I handed her the potholder. She shook her head and just grabbed the bowl and held on to it the whole time she was stirring! Seriously! Super human.

This afternoon, as I was cooking for a potluck we were going to, I had some Christmas music playing on the iPod. There are few things that, after 15 years since she passed, still make me miss my grandma the way that Christmas music and decorations and such do. She loved Christmas, and she made it so special for all of us! I grew up Mennonite, and to be a "good" Mennonite, you should be very simple and very frugal and very plain. My grandmother did not grow up Mennonite; she married into it. There were a lot of things that were hard for her about it, but that was one of them. Christmas was the one time of year it seemed acceptable to be festive and a little extravagant. Actually, I don't even know if it was that acceptable or if she just didn't care, and that was her one time she was going to do it anyway! Either way, it always made Christmas feel extra special because it was so distinctly different and because she just seemed to delight in it!
I love Christmas, too. I love decorating and all the special foods and traditions. (John is less fond of some of my traditions, namely the Alabama Christmas album!) It's fun to think of new traditions to start with our kids, too. I made (with much help from my parents on their last visit) a Jesse tree to do this year, and we started it today. I'm going to try to teach Muna how to make some Christmas cookies next week, and we're going to have a little Christmas fun time with some of Isaiah and my friends next week. I haven't used the iPod much since we've been here, but I can't resist playing Christmas music any chance I get. The whole season makes me sappy. That could also be the pregnancy hormones. :)

Well, that is probably enough randomness for tonight. Perhaps a more focused post soon.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T05:44:00.000-08:00

It has certainly been a different celebration this year for Thanksgiving and yet one that makes me feel strangely at home here. This is certainly a place that makes me realize how very much I have to be thankful for and to be conscious of little things that I often take for granted. I am quite sentimental when it comes to holidays, and I love being able to have special celebrations with family and friends! I am so very thankful for the resources to not only have plenty to eat and a comfortable place to live but even an abundance to feast together with wonderful people God has brought into our lives.

We went Wednesday evening to the residence of the U.S. Ambassador here for a special celebration. All U.S. citizens were invited, and it was a unique chance to gather with people from our nation but on the other side of the world! Plus, we got little mini turkey sandwiches and pies. Turkey is unbelievably expensive here, so it was fun to watch everyone get so excited about some little bites of a traditional treat. A new friend of ours was invited to give a blessing at the short program, which was also a real treat for us because John and I have become very used to everyone completing avoiding anything Christian at any sort of government or secular function in LA. There was no preaching or anything, but it was nice to have some recognition of the source of all that we have to be grateful for! Without God, what or who are we even thanking? Anyway, it was nice.

I came home and started in on some baking. We have two Miracle Ovens now but still no regular oven, so we had planned some shifts to cover all the food we were hoping to make. I couldn't really picture any way to pull off pie in the Miracle Oven, so I went for pumpkin brownies and pumpkin cake. Yesterday we all spent the day preparing for a late afternoon meal here with some friends. I have to admit that I'm pretty impressed with what we pulled off with no oven and limited pots, pans, and bowls! I braised some chickens, which was an adventure for several reasons. I have never braised a chicken before. Also, I have never had to actually remove the internal organs from a chicken before. Usually when you buy them in the States, the little guts and stuff and tucked neatly into a little bag inside. It is surprisingly difficult to pull them off of the body of the bird! And, I had to cut up the chicken myself into pieces, which I have also never done, and despite the pieces being rather awkwardly cut, the meat turned out quite well. We also had mashed potatoes (made by our dear sweet Muna), dressing, cheesy hash brown casserole, rolls (purchased), gravy, hot autumn punch, and some yummy dishes brought by our friends.

One funny advantage of Thanksgiving here is that nothing is closed that day, so you can still get any ingredients you need that morning!

Some friends came over then for dinner, and we had a really nice evening together! It was so much fun to share our home with people God has brought into our lives and to feast together and celebrate and give thanks to God. We all hit a food coma pretty quickly after dinner, as none of us are used to the quantity of food or nearly the level of starches and heaviness in our food here! What fun to be able to all share together, though, some treats that remind us all of traditions and comforts of "home."

I was reminded yesterday of so many Thanksgiving celebrations growing up. My grandma has been gone now for 15 years, but I still miss her and spending Thanksgiving at her home, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. Then, I think of the year that I actually got to go to the Macy's parade and spend Thanksgiving with my college choir in New York and have my dad and grandpa come to see us there! And, I think of the years now spent in LA, serving at the Santa Monica Civic Center for an amazing celebration put on there for many who wouldn't have a celebration otherwise and sharing a meal and fellowship with adopted "family" there. So, I am thankful for many things, but I feel particularly thankful for memories, both past and new ones being created in the present, of life shared with family and friends and resting with great joy in the arms of our Father who makes a place for us wherever we are and blesses us with glimpses of "home" until we are in our true home forever with Him.

Wear You Down

2010-11-18T05:45:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't say it has been a bad week. God has definitely poured out His grace and presence on us in the midst of it, but it has definitely been one of those weeks that I feel the toll a place like this can take. Sometimes, this place just seems to wear you down.
We had a nice weekend away in Nagarkot, a small place in the mountains not too far outside of Kathmandu. We stayed in a nice hotel and had a restful weekend, though we didn't actually see the spectacular mountain views we were hoping for. Lots of fog to look at but not much view of the mountain. On the way up to Nagarkot, we took a tuk tuk to the nearest bus depot (which is really just a parking lot of random buses) and then took a bus to Bhaktapur where we expected to take a second bus up to Nagarkot. When we got off the bus in Bhaktapur, we found out there was no bus running to Nagarkot that day because one of the buses the day before had an accident. So, we ended up in a taxi. Minor gliche but far overshadowed by a fabulous shower and bathtub, which Isaiah loved, and a restful quiet weekend with fresh air.
On Monday morning, we got on the local bus back to Bhaktapur (a little nerve-wracking after having seen the one flipped over on the side of the mountain from Friday). Then we got on the bus back to Lagankhel, which takes you back through all the dust and pollution and clogs up any fresh air that might have filled your lungs while away. The bus was crowded, and when I say crowded, I mean three people hanging on to the outside of the door and people jammed in and standing over each other. Mind you, the "hawker" (as I like to call him) was still beckoning people to come on the bus. I mean, we hadn't even tapped into the space on the roof yet, so why not? Back at Lagankhel (which is the area where I go to the clinic), we just needed to get on a tuk tuk or microbus for a few minutes to get us to our road home. One microbus had just emptied out of people and tried to charge us 300 rupees! Seriously? It costs 10 for that ride! Anyway, we finally walked around the corner, got on a tuk tuk and got home, but it just felt a little astounding how exhausted we felt after our restful weekend because of the trek back home.

I ended up with some sort of intestinal bug for a couple days that gave me terrible cramps and body aches and kept me close to a bathroom. On the second day of that, a full-blown cold or viral thing hit Isaiah. He's been achey and all congested and, by today, seemed totally miserable. The night before last night, it seemed he was going to be up pretty much every hour, which meant we'd be getting up every hour, so we brought him in to sleep in our bed. The night consisted of frequent trips to the bathroom for me with sharp cramps in between and a restless, fussy toddler elbowing me and climbing on me and periodically shoving his nose or mouth into my face for a snot-covered kiss. Now, I know this stuff happens in the States as well. Kids get sick. We get sick. It just happens so much more frequently here. It was just under a month ago that Isaiah had his pukefest weekend. It took him two weeks for his sleep to settle back in, which gave us less than two weeks of him sleeping through the night again before sickness hit again. That is a tiring pattern.
So, in the midst of tired and not feeling well, I made my way to the clinic Wednesday morning for my monthly checkup. I had my glucose test last week and should've found out the results when I went in this time. We got all ready and got over there, only to find the clinic closed for the day. Now, the clinic is open every day, but they have a special time set aside for an "open house" style clinic specifically for expats on Wednesday mornings, which as I've mentioned, is a much easier experience. But given that it only happens once a week, I will need to wait a week if I hope to go in for that clinic time.
I was bummed and a little frustrated, but I decided Isaiah and I would make the trek up to the central post office to pick up the care package I knew was there from my parents. You see, no mail gets delivered to homes here. We have a post office box at the local post office. When we get a package, they put a notice in our box. Often, the notice is all that is actually AT our post office, though, as they keep larger (and, sometimes just random and unpredictable) packages at the downtown office. That is what happened this time. So, then you have to go to the local office, pick up the slip, take it downtown (which is a 30-minute trip one way on a good day), go to 15 or so stations to have random signatures and stamps and who knows what to get the actual package. I've never gone before since John has picked up the packages before, but I thought it might cheer us up a bit to get the package, so we hopped on a microbus and headed up there. Isaiah was so tired and nearly fell asleep on the way. We got off and crossed the crazy intersection, made our way to the unmarked gate at what seemed to be the post office, and when I asked the guard at the gate if it was the post office, he said, "Tomorrow." Since that didn't seem an answer to my question, I said, "What?" He said, "Today is holiday. Closed. You can come tomorrow." Oh, can I, please? You've got to be kidding me! Bleh. What the heck random holiday it was, I have no idea. They have a ton of them, and half of the people here don't even know what or when they are. So, we ventured into the market area next to that and bought a cheap pair of knockoff Puma sweatpants for Isaiah. I started to look for a long-sleeve t-shirt for me, which I had forgotten to pack for sleeping at night, but I just wasn't up for dealing with all the dynamics of the little shops in that kind of market area, so we crossed the intersection again and got on a microbus back to our area.
We headed to Higher Ground, a cafe that is Isaiah's favorite here. It was Muna Didi's day off, so I thought we'd just eat some lunch out and then head home for nap. Isaiah loves the banana smoothies there; it's his favorite. I ordered one for each of us, and the waiter came back a few minutes later to tell me they couldn't make them at that time because the power was out. Bummer.

I surprisingly didn't feel stressed from the day, which is God's grace for sure, as many of you know that I'm not the most flexible person on the planet. Top that off with not feeling well and carrying around a toddler that wasn't feeling well. But, it didn't make me stressed or angry...just exhausted. It's not one thing by itself, but it is the stream of things that are just a regular part of life here and accumulate to just wear a person down here. Ah, Kathmandu, you make me weary sometimes.

Culture Clash

2010-11-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

I was just discussing with Alana the other day how sometimes the unexpected culture clash moments come in interacting with other expats. We're all experiencing a different culture here in Nepal, so there is a common ground, but we are not all from the same culture, and sometimes it's easy to forget that until it comes up in jarring ways. I had one of those moments today.

Every Friday, Isaiah and I go to a prayer that is a bunch of moms, mostly with toddlers, so the kids also come. The basic setup of the group is that we each share about any updates/praises/prayer requests, and then we pray for each other. The kids play, usually in the same room, so it is obviously isn't the most focused sharing and prayer time ever, but we all seem to manage to connect while keeping an eye on our kids.

I hadn't really thought about it, but nearly all in the group are Westerners, and actually, primarily British and American. There is one woman who has started coming recently that is not, though. She is a VERY sweet and generous woman who loves Jesus and is absolutely lovely, so I hope this won't be disparaging to her. The cultural differences have just been notable. It reveals assumptions we make about the way things are done. I never much thought about it in the group before, but it is an unspoken norm/expectation among Westerners for things to have a certain degree of structure and order, and it seems to be agreed upon with very little or no direct communication about it. Things like taking turns and going in order around a circle to share. When a new person comes, someone usually explains just that we each share our prayer requests, and the rest seems rather understood. Now, as I said, the kids are there, so there are always the distractions of one of the kids needing attention for something, but those get addressed with a clear attempt to not disrupt the order of the group, and then the mom(s) slip back into the flow of what is happening. Again, none of this even was something in my consciousness until someone came who did not follow the same "rules." This newer woman has, the past few weeks, often gotten up in the middle of someone sharing and just started doing something, such as passing out chocolates to all of the kids. (Remember, most of them are 2 or under!) Last week, she hosted the group, and right as we went to start sharing, she turned on the cartoon network on the TV in the room there for the kids, and later, in the middle of someone sharing, she pulled out two incredibly noisy, flashing toys and turned them on and set them in the middle of the kids. It was weird to realize how shocking it felt and to realize the assumptions made of how a group like this operates.

Anyway, all of those have been sort of amusing, but today was more of a clash. The host home today had steps (marble, mind you) all over the place to get in and out of any room, and one of the little boys had quickly scampered up a few steps and fell down and banged his head. It swelled up and started to bruise right away, and he was yelping. The woman hosting gave the mother a bag with some ice, and she sat on the couch to try to put the ice on his head. Her closest friend was next to her, I was in the room, and this newer woman was in the same room as well. She was trying to tell this mom not to put ice on it; she was telling her she must put a hot rag on it instead. It was said in a tone that was surprisingly stronger than a suggestion. The other three of us tried to just say that ice would actually be good. Then, the newer woman walked over and said, "Let me see." She pulled the mom's hand back and started to press hard with her hand on the bump! The friend rather sharply told her to stop. She got a bit defensive, and the friend tried to explain a bit of why we put ice on it and that it was hurting him more to press on it, but the newer woman was convinced this was the wrong thing to do. A brief conversation followed with many awkward exchanges, including the newer mom stating that is why she didn't let her son on the stairs (even though he had actually been multiple times and had tumbled off a couple). Awkward really is an understatement for that moment.

The actual action wasn't brand new to me. When we were visiting India, a friend's son fell, and everyone seemed convinced to do the same thing. While the hot rag makes it look much worse, that part at least seems it would make sense to actually enhance the body's natural reaction to rush blood to that area. Perhaps our attempts to counteract the body's reaction is less natural and more of a measure of pure comfort. However, the whole pushing on the bump thing just makes me absolutely cringe. It might actually make sense as well, but it just hurts like heck and seems awful! Still, different modes of dealing with situations exist, but the truly jarring part was the very non-Western mode of stepping in and just asserting a way of addressing something...with someone else's child!

I've tried to think it through a bit, as it just felt so jarring to me and so completely baffling to understand the disregard for what seem like common boundaries to me. I mean, barring being a medical professional stepping in to address an emergency situation, it just seems completely unthinkable to me to just step in, pull a mother's hand away from her son (when she has already expressed not agreeing with one aspect of what you're trying to get her to do), and carrying out your own mode of handling the situation, which involves physical intervention with the kid! It connects for me with the lack of boundaries I perceive in the way Nepalis interact with kids when anyone feels the freedom to just touch/squeeze/pull/pick up a kid they don't even know. I think some of it probably stems from the individual versus communal focus of cultures. I know this woman was truly intending to help and felt convinced she was doing the right thing. Regardless of the reasons from cultural norms that led to this particular situation, it was just one of those moments that was a true clash of cultures and a shock to both parties as assumptions came to the surface as being radically different. There are reasons that phrases like culture "shock" and culture "clash" have come into use! It is sometimes just completely jarring to have those differences come head to head in an unexpected moment!

On a Happier Note

2010-10-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

So, since my last several posts have been full of negatives, I decided I should write on some good things. The vomiting has stopped, which is fantastic, obviously! Sleeping could still be better, but we're headed in the right direction! :)
We had a very nice morning. After skyping with Isaiah's two best buddies back home, we headed out with Alana to the Summit Hotel where they hold a farmer's market every Sunday and Wednesday morning. Mainly, it is on Sundays, but we haven't been able to go the past several times we've tried, so I thought we would check it out today. It was noted that it is not very big on Wednesdays, and that is quite an understatement, but it was such an enjoyable morning. The grounds at the Summit are just lovely! And, it is set back a bit, so it is blissfully quiet! Isaiah was running around barefoot on the grass. There are a bunch of lounge chairs surrounding a nice pool. Isaiah made particular note of the older gentleman sunbathing in his Speedo! :)
There is this small bakery nearby there that people call the "Secret Bakery" because it is completely tucked away with no signage, but he had his items there at the market today, so we sat and savored delightful treats and enjoyed all the flowers and green. Isaiah and I shared a calzone, and he also ate a cinnamon roll, a chocolate croissant, and some bites of a piece of spinach quiche. And, he kept pointing at the table, wanting to eat more. No way he was still hungry, but it all just looked so good--that's my boy! :) We also bought some homemade ravioli and two wonderful fresh loaves of bread to bring home to use for dinner. What a treat!
Then, on the walk home, we found a perfect chair for Isaiah. We don't really have dining chairs or table, so it's been hard for him to stay sitting and focused at meals, but we found him a toddler-sized plastic green chair with Mickey Mouse on it, so he was thrilled!

We've been using the stroller more lately, which has been nice on several levels. Makes us more inclined to walk, and the weather is quite nice right now, so walking is pleasant. It's also easier than carrying him, though it definitely still presents some challenges without sidewalks. But, I have gotten to the point that I don't really care if we look odd or if people have to drive out around us, so we have been enjoying using that.

While I'm on happier notes, I know I've mentioned it many times before, but Muna Tamang is a huge blessing in our lives!!! Daily tasks, like laundry and cleaning and cooking and cooking prep and even shopping for food and household items, just take so much longer here, so it is a huge relief and help to have Muna working for us to help with these things. Beside just the help with the tasks, she is such a sweet woman who is very kind to all of us and whom Isaiah enjoys very much. He talks about Muna Didi quite often. She is such an incredibly hard worker! She gets five times the amount of work done that I would in the time she has. And, she's a really good cook! Dal bhat (the basic lentil meal that everyone eats here every single day) can get a little monotonous, so it would be painful if she didn't make it well, and she tries to throw in some variety with what she makes for it. It is always rice and lentils and a side dish or two, usually vegetables or beans or potatoes or something. She always does a nice job making stuff for us, and she also bakes some tasty treats. I've gotten more comfortable cooking and baking here and am learning what is available and how to use stuff well, so I've been doing more of the cooking for dinners, but it is awfully nice to have her wash and chop things in the afternoon to prepare and to know that I don't have to worry about much clean up afterward! That is what I call a nice cooking experience! :)

Tonight is my "introvert night" when I have the house to myself after Isaiah goes to bed, so I'm looking forward to a little relaxing time tonight. I think I'm going to make brownies, make a game I've been wanting to make for Isaiah, and watch some silly TV shows online. A nice end to a good day!

If Only It Had Ended There...

2010-10-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

Add another night to our stretch of ickiness! Last night was awful!
Isaiah woke up in the middle of the night crying again (only about 45 minutes after John had come to bed after trying to deal with bank stuff), and this time, the vomiting was serious business. Lots of vomit. He was understandably so upset and just kept crying as he was heaving. Went through probably four rounds of clothes for him, stripped his bed, and went through a couple sets of clothes for me as well.
The first set of clothes got spoiled when, I kid you not, I slipped on and fell IN the vomit! That pretty much was the low point of the last few days. It probably is actually quite funny when you think about it, but I am not so much connecting to the humor of it. I actually hurt my arm quite badly because there was nothing at all to catch myself on, so I just fell hard to the floor, which is basically a cement floor with some sort of weird thick plastic sheet on top made to look like tile. I could hardly move my arm this morning, but thankfully, it is feeling better tonight and is mostly just really sore.
So, to summarize...another night with very little sleep for any of us, Pukefest part 2--back with a vengeance, and falling IN vomit. It can only go up from here, right?!

Tired

2010-10-24T07:53:00.001-07:00

It has felt like a long stretch the past few days! It triggers many thoughts and feelings for me with mothering that have been on my mind since we came, and I've been meaning to write about them...and someday I will, but not tonight! :) I must wait until I have energy for actual coherent communication of deeper thoughts. For now, suffice it to say that I think parenting takes trust, faith, and reliance on God to a whole new level of challenge...and parenting in Nepal is yet another level! More on that soon, but for now, just a recap of the last few days.

Thursday, when we were at this little singing group that some friends we have made here have at a home, we started to do "Ring around the Rosie." Isaiah did not want to put down the purple matchbox plane he had in his hands, and with wanting to join the group quickly and not cause a big distraction, I let him hold on to it. As we went around the circle and came to a part where we scooped up the little ones, I scooped up Isaiah, which he wasn't expecting, and the plane jabbed right into his eye. He screamed so much, and I felt completely sick. He wouldn't open his eye at all, and there was blood in his tears, and nothing outside his eye was bleeding, so I knew it was coming from inside. I honestly thought for a second that I had actually poked a big hole in his eyeball or something. He's a pretty cautious kid and hasn't had a ton of typical toddler boy incidents, but this one really scared me. I was trying to keep all my horrible worst-case scenario thought trains in the station, but they kept flooding, like what if he loses an eye or can no longer see! And, despite the logic of knowing that accidents happen, I couldn't help feeling like it was completely my fault! A long story made shorter, he did open his eyes after about 10 minutes, and he seemed to have no major injuries. I think somehow, miraculously, it scratched the inside of his eyelid without actually scratching his eye itself. I seriously believe God was protecting him in a BIG way! By evening, we were fairly sure he was ok but not wanting to take chances with his little eyes and trying to sort through decisions of what to do to follow up in a place where we have no idea HOW to do that.
I took him to a local clinic on Friday since we couldn't figure out how to connect with an opthalmalagist. A huge blessing was that, while we were there, our friend who is a pediatrician here but who we were trying not to bother with this since he recently had surgery walked past the clinic and came to talk to us, and his opinion of the situation was really reassuring. The clinic is not a fun experience; it's fairly chaotic. The appointment didn't seem all that worthwhile, but it made the pharmacy experience a ton easier than it normally is, and we got eyedrops for Isaiah, which started a whole new battle of actually getting them in his eye several times a day! Thankfully, a couple days was all that was recommended, and as long as all looks ok in the morning, I think we are DONE with those! Thank goodness for the mini M&M's my parents sent that we could use as "incentive."

So, that in and of itself, was an exhausting couple of days, but then last night, in the middle of the night, Isaiah woke up crying. It seemed like he was going to throw up, but it was just a bit of gagging and spitting up. He was having a really hard time going back to sleep, though, and after nearly an hour of praying for him and singing to him, he started to actually throw up. So, then, in the middle of the night, I found myself hand washing clothes and sheets and trying to deal with the mess on the bed. Then we realized he had bad diarrhea! We were sort of waiting to see if more was coming, and we thought we had entered the safe zone, so we took him into bed with us (because his bed had a big spot of baking soda attempting to soak up the moisture and smell). He had just started to drift off finally when I heard him start to gag. John scooped him up and hit the bathroom. Minimal actual vomit but more washing and more crying, and all of us were back to wide awake. That, thankfully, ended that stretch for the night after 2 hours of being up. I struggled to go back to sleep with him there in the bed with us. He fell asleep for a couple hours. In spite of a very short night, it seemed he woke up pretty happy, and we thought the day might get off to an ok start...until we realized that our sheets were covered in diarrhea! So, up again, rinsing, soaking, washing sheets by hand in the bathroom, running all of his stuffed animals through our laundry machine (don't bother thinking regular washing machine). And, a full blown sinus headache for the second day in a row with very few options of things to take to curb it because of being pregnant! And, those hormones don't do much for the emotional state in times like this! Poor Isaiah looked at me with a bit of shock this morning when I burst into tears after he dumped out a bin of toys on the floor!
Oh, and I was scheduled to take a meal this evening to some friends here who just went through a rough time. Could not have pulled that one off without my sweet husband's help in a big way!

It would seem that the little man's eye is healing up well, we think we have wrapped up the eyedrops, whatever intestinal drama there was seems to have been short-lived, but I find myself bracing a bit before believing that things are going to all be smooth again! And, as I finally sit down tonight, I feel the drain of the past few days. Hoping for a really good night of sleep and a low-key week ahead!!!

Miracle Oven Victories

2010-10-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

So, I'm getting the hang of this Miracle Oven and, in spite of my initial feelings of mistrust, I am cranking out some stuff in this thing!
Victories to date: 3 cakes (first one a partial victory), peanut butter cookies, a couple dinner casseroles, egg casserole, cornbread, coffee cake, brownies, and currently in there--baked oatmeal.
Last week, I made the coffee cake when I hosted the prayer group that I've been going to of mostly moms of toddlers. (Side note: It was a bit short-sided of me to offer to host this particular time since it was in the middle of a stretch of our didi being on vacation and, while my Miracle Oven confidence is quite high, my competence and confidence with the weird short little wicker/straw brooms we have here, especially on carpet, is quite low!) Anyway, as we were in the kitchen, one of the girls commented on how nice it is that we have a 4-burner stove, which I forget is quite a treat, actually. I commented that I do wish we had an oven, though. One of the girls asked how I made the cake then. Well, my friend, it was a "miracle." :)

Top Ten Things I Miss

2010-10-06T07:45:00.000-07:00

So, now that I am enjoying life, I can acknowledge some things I miss from home and not just be grumbling. We certainly have access here to many nice treats and are making life work in the midst of the challenges, but there are definitely still things I miss from home. The most significant are not the "things" at all but our family and friends who are so dear to us. We are so blessed and miss them very much! We are meeting some wonderful people, but it is not the same as those we have shared life with and know as well.
That aside, these are just the "things" I miss. These are not deep thoughts. I will eventually find the mental energy to blog on some of those things, but for now, I'm choosing the top ten things I miss from home:

10. An Oven
So, I could blog just about my adventures with the Miracle Oven. I am getting the hang of it and pretty excited to have successfully completed quite a variety of food in it, but there are just times it would be nice to bake a large quantity of something in a shape other than a ring!

9. Good Popcorn
If you know me, you know how much I love my popcorn. They have popcorn here, and it doesn't taste bad, but it doesn't pop well at all. A large percentage of the kernels never pop, and the ones that do don't get that nice open fluffy popped state, so they are all a bit on the crunchy side. Oh, Orville, where are you?

8. A Variety of Fruits and Vegetables
There is a very limited range of fruits and vegetables available here. There are some new ones we've tried, such as Japanese persimmons and custard apples, but I have gotten very spoiled by the year-round abundance of fresh produce available in a place like Los Angeles! I am particularly missing blueberries lately, for some reason. Oh, and peaches--I missed peach season! And, being able to eat fresh greens! I enjoy our food here, but variety is not its strength!

7. Fitted Sheets
It's weird, but they honestly don't exist here. They always just use flat sheets and wrap them around the mattresses. They don't stay in place, especially for a toddler who rolls around all over the place in bed. Thanks to Mom and Dad for sending him a fitted sheet!

6. Vehicle Smog Inspection
It always seems so inconvenient to deal with in California, especially when you know your car is fine, but I have a new-found appreciation for the benefits of having such restrictions imposed! Oh, the clouds of black smoke puffing out of vehicles here and the nauseating smells of terrible exhaust! Bleh! :( Now that the rains have stopped (which really is convenient to not be soaked and wading through mud all the time), all the dust and grime fills the air, and riding through traffic makes me choke a bit.

5. Appliances
I'm lumping these into one category because, on any particular day, I either don't even notice that we don't have one particular item or am completely homesick for one. For example, our didi does a fantastic job cleaning our floors, but on the day that Isaiah got into the cupboard and emptied an entire box of corn flakes and crumbs onto his weirdly thin but ridged carpet, I was pretty frustrated (understatement) to not have any sort of vaccuum!
I certainly had gotten rather addicted to my crockpot, but let's be honest, even if we had one, it would do very little good with long stretches of electricity outages!
I often miss my blender, though usually I realize that it's workable without it.
A handmixer is one I often miss. I felt like my arm was going to fall off last night trying to stir up some frosting! It's not one I might use as often as others, but I realize the elbow grease necessary to compensate for its loss!

4. Sidewalks
There are some sidewalks in some places, but they often end abruptly or are very rough and broken up or have random things blocking them, and they are rather rare altogether. I wouldn't mind so much, but I have a toddler who is scared to walk on the streets (and really, who can blame him? Who likes to have motorcycles and cars whizzing right past your side and honking right as they come up to you?). That makes for some challenges getting places.

3. A Toilet That Consistently Flushes and Has a Seat That Stays in Place
I would imagine it would seem obvious why this is something I miss. They don't seem to understand the purpose of toilet seats here. They are flimsy and loosely attached, and given that plumbing and water pressure leave a lot to be desired, the whole toilet experience is less than ideal. But, at least we have more than a hole in the ground.

2. Personal Space Boundaries
I like my personal space. I have grown to be quite comfortable with physical affection with friends, but I am not so fond of way too many people crammed into very small spaces and overlapping random body parts with total strangers. It is really more of the intentional personal space invasions, though, that stretch me. It is actually most notable with poor Isaiah. Complete strangers on the street reach out and grab children, squeeze their cheeks, and move them against their will. The most awkward one was when we were at the zoo last week, and another visitor to the zoo who was getting his picture taken by friends reached over and grabbed Isaiah and pulled him over to have his picture taken with him. I have to say that, as much as I know it to be a cultural thing, there is a bit of an instinct as a mother from the US to clock the guy because it seems creepy. The one occasion that people in the US seem to feel license to pay no attention to our usual personal space boundaries is with pregnant women's stomachs. Thankfully, I can't imagine that to be true here, at least with men, or else it could get interesting and be the straw that breaks the pregant mother's hormonal back. I would feel badly (mostly) for taking out some innocent Nepali man for touching my kid.

1. Dairy Products!!!
Seriously. Water buffalo stuff is just not even the same, and even that has a pretty narrow spectrum of what's available! If they consider cows sacred, why on earth would they not want to soak up as much of their glorious milk as possible?! Got milk? No. :(

Didi Behini Group in the Village

2010-09-22T07:04:00.000-07:00

Didi means older sister, and behini means younger sister in Nepali. Once a month the women from the Vineyard here in the city gather together with women from one of the villages outside the city. This month it was in Kortigauw (no idea about the spelling or even a good pronunciation of it). Alana and I had been invited to go along, so Tuesday morning, we headed over to the Vineyard here in Patan to meet our didis and behinis there and leave together for this gathering. Most of the day was a complete unknown for me. I knew it was a women's gathering in a village outside the city, and that's about the extent of what I knew.

Only a couple of the women speak any English, and even those who do speak it, don't feel confident using it, so there were a lot of smiles, giggles, and nods throughout the day, and though it felt awkward at the beginning of the day, by the end of the day, it somehow communicated much more than words. Puja was one young woman who felt comfortable speaking English, so she ended up translating (loosely) some things for us throughout the day.

As we were waiting for some signal to depart, a flatbed work truck pulled into the church courtyard. One of the ladies grinned and said, "Our taxi." They started giggling, so Alana and I thought it was a joke. Turns out, it was not. We needed to take three sewing machines (the old-fashioned ones that you pump with your foot so are all part of a table) and some other things along because they were going to start a training for some of the women in this village to learn how to do sewing/tailoring. So, we piled three sewing machines and table, one large desk, two chairs, and 14 of us women into this truck and headed out on our adventure. By the time we realized just how this was all going to play out, it would have been awkward to get up and take a picture, but this shot shows our ride.

So, off we went through the chaotic streets of Patan! I have gotten some strange looks being here so far, but it was pretty amusing to see people's faces when they looked over and saw two white girls jammed in the back of a work truck with a bunch of furniture and Nepali ladies having a worship sing-a-long! I can only join in on the parts that repeat "hallelujah" and "dhanyavad (thank you) Yesu (Jesus)" and such, but we just clapped along joyfully. At one point, I thought I had found a part I could do when Sarita and some others started in with the interjected "Ho, ho" and rolled r's and "hey, hey" and such, but it turns out you sort of need to know the song to throw those in at appropriate times. :) The lady sitting on the other side of Alana seemed to think she could help her sing along if only she could look into her face and sing loudly and intently. I don't think it worked, but it was amusing. The great thing was that we were all amused--by each other, by our ride, by the jostling around and getting tossed into each other!

As we got to the edge of the city, we went past a bunch of older Newari style buildings with the intricate woodwork and blue doors and windows and then started to see the terraced fields and brick making ovens and open spaces. Then, up the mountain we headed. A big jostling truck full of singing ladies and furniture up a narrow gravel and dirt mountain road. The key is not to look down. Now, that is a ride for you! One of the girls pointed up toward the top and said, "There is where we go." I have to admit, I doubted our truck a bit, but we made it up to the top in one piece and didn't even lose the guy who was standing outside and hanging on to the door!

We unloaded the furniture at the site where they will do the training, and we gathered together and prayed over the place and over the ladies there (most of whom had met us at this spot) for this time of training for the next three months. Then we walked along the road to a home where we were being hosted for the gathering. It was a packed dirt floor with some straw mats and no lights, and we all just gathered around to sit together on the floor. Altogether, I think there were about 25 of us. We chatted a bit, and I discovered that Puja (the one speaking English with us) has two children who are 14 and 11, and there is no possible way she is older than me, if as old. She grew up in an orphanage, and her husband left her soon after her daughter was born. One of so many difficult stories.

We worshipped together with a few raggedy shared songbooks, and then Umla (one of the ladies from the city) gave some teaching. I understood very little of it at all, but it seemed to be an encouragement to the women. Then the ladies shared their prayer requests, and if the surroundings didn't emphasize it enough, I was struck by the difficulty of many of their lives. So many wanted prayer for their family members to know Jesus, and quite a few are the only believers in the households. One very tiny elderly woman shared that her husband gets angry that she goes to church; he beats her and curses at her. She broke into tears as she said it. They wanted us to share our prayer requests as well because they said they need to be praying for us, too. Before we started praying, they said we were going to take the offering. A moment of panic hit me. What in the world is an appropriate amount to put in for such an offering? There is so much need, and I have much to give, but it would be very awkward to put in a large amount as they put in their little amounts. But, at the same time, they do know that Alana and I have more money as Westerners, so I don't want to be the stingy foreigners who don't give. It would be obvious what we had given because it would be notably different than anything else put in. I prayed and reached for a bill from my wallet. Thankfully, I confirmed with Alana that we had both put in the same amount, and we hoped it would be a good balance of the dynamics for us.

We began to pray. It started with everyone praying aloud at once, which is common for them to do here. Then some women got up and began to go around and lay hands on the other ladies and pray for them. One women, clearly a leader/elder of that community, went around and laid hands on each and every woman there and prayed for them. I don't know what she was saying, but there was such fervor and sincerity in her prayers. It was so beautiful watching them all minister to each other and to receive from them and to be able to pray, knowing that God knows what each of us is lifting up to Him, even if we have no idea from each other!

Then came lunch. I had been nervous and asked for much prayer about lunch. Normally, I would never turn down a single thing put in front of me in someone's home, even knowing there may be consequences later, and I have been very thankful that God has given me the ability to eat pretty much anything pretty easily. With the pregnancy, however, I don't feel quite as free to take some of the chances with food and drink, but I just hate the thought of offending anyone with what they offer to me, especially knowing that they are offering so graciously and sacrificially out of very limited resources they have. They had made so much good food for us! We had a big plate of pounded rice (which is like a dry crunchy cereal) and several food on top and around it. There was some sort of beans in a tasty sauce, some vegetables, and something we weren't sure what it was. Then on top of each plate was a fried sweet bread ring that they called something that sounded like "sail." Apparently, it is usually made for festivals and special occasions. This emphasized how special of an occasion this was to them!

I asked Alana if the unknown saucy cubes were meat, and she said she had eaten one and thought they were made of soybean, so I went ahead and ate one. Honestly, one of the harder things I've eaten. The taste was fine; it didn't have much taste to it at all, but I just kept chewing and chewing, thinking that at some point I may just need to swallow it. Turns out it was "buff" (water buffalo). Meat seemed a little less safe to eat, though I know it is costly. Thankfully, there was only a bit on my plate, and it seemed not to draw notice to leave the few bites there. I did have to pass on the drink, as it was some sort of yogurt drink that Alana later said smelled and tasted like curdled milk. The couple of ladies around me seemed to understand with me being pregnant, and again, it didn't draw attention, thankfully. The vegetables turned out to be "pickle," and was like a spicy salad. I thought I was eating a slice of okra, but it turned out to be a slice of a chili! Couldn't quite contain my reaction on that one, but they all seemed amused by it! Since the veggies were raw, I thought about it later that it might not have been the best idea, but all through the meal, I just kept praying for protection for the baby and thanking God and asking Him to bless these women for their gift to us. Glad to report that I have had NO digestive backlash from the food! :) It really was (with the exception of the meat) quite delicious.

The woman who had prayed over each of the women started to tell us (which Puja translate) that they are brown, and we are white and have come from such a long way, but God brought us together, and we are a blessing for coming with them. We worship God, and He is the same God, the one God, and it joins us as sisters. At one point, she came over and hiked up my skirt and put her foot next to mine. She point to hers and said, "kaalo" (black) and to mine and said "seto" (white) with a lot of emphasis, and all the ladies laughed--my pasty white foot next to her dark one. And there is even so much more that these ladies' feet speak of. They are worn and dusty and show the difficulty of many of their lives. Even those who have loving families work so hard and walk so much on dusty rough roads. I had just been thinking the other day how little care I've been taking of my feet and feeling like they are pretty gross right now, but one of the ladies had commented to me in the truck as she touched my foot that it was so clean and smooth. It gives a little glimpse into the challenges of life that so many of these women face. But they are faithful. This women who was a leader there in that village is one I have seen every week here in the city at the Vineyard. It took us nearly an hour on that truck to get there, and I know most of that mountain road has to be walked before they can catch a bus. It must take at least 2 hours each way every week!

And, in the midst of so many things that are different, we all just enjoyed each other. We laughed. And smiled. And sang. And we had such a fun day together.

What seemed like a challenging ride for our truck going up turned into a roller coaster ride on the way down! Much more laughing and bouncing around into each other.

My butt is very sore today, but I am so thankful for such an unforgettable and lovely day with such beautiful women! I could hardly say anything to them, but I know for certain, they are my didis and behinis!

One of Those Mornings

2010-09-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

I have them back home as well, but for some reason, it all feels more exaggerated here. I woke up this morning feeling dragged out and a little irritable, which is a never a good start to the day. Isaiah was well overdue for a bath, but he has been absolutely hating them lately. I'm not sure where the glee from bucket baths went, but it is gone. We were moving along ok, and then something bit him! Seriously, all of a sudden, a big red puffy bite. As if we weren't having enough drama every single bathtime! The screaming and crying woke John up, which we were trying to avoid, since he had fallen asleep late last night, but thankfully, he was a huge help to wrap up bathtime reasonably well.
I took a shower with water that was an unpleasant temperature, and after what felt like moving ridiculously slow to wrap my head around the week's budget and the shopping list, we were finally ready to head out the door. As we started walking, I realized I had forgotten to get Isaiah a snack, so we stopped at Inox department store and got a donut for him. The security guards there all know us and are really friendly, but the most Isaiah will give them is an occasional "hi" and usually "bye bye." As we walked out to jump on a tuk tuk, Isaiah started whining to eat his donut. I don't like whining. I really enjoy most things about the toddler phase...but not the whining.
We got on a tuk tuk and got him some of his donut. Our first stop was to be the library to return some books. I couldn't see out very well, so we went past where we needed to go and had to walk back. Just as we were starting to walk, it started to rain. Isaiah was actually walking since there was a sidewalk but kept stopping to whine about getting more donut. I scooped him up to try to get us where we needed to go quickly before the rain got harder. Isaiah calmed down, and we stopped to eat a few more bites of donut, which I then told him was going away in my bag to have the rest later. We climbed two flights of stairs, only to find out the library is only open in the afternoons! And the books are due tomorrow. And I'm going to be gone all day tomorrow. Ugh.
We went back out to the street. (More whining about the donut.) It was, by that time, actually raining. It wasn't pouring or anything, but I needed the umbrella, which is no small task to carry Isaiah, hold the umbrella, and cross the chaotic street. We made it across, and every tuk tuk that was going past was jammed incredibly full. Some people hop on the back and just hold on, but holding on to a toddler, an umbrella, and clinging to the back of the tuk tuk seemed more than I could manage, so we started walking to our second destination--Namaste grocery/department store. It's not as close to us as two others, but it sometimes has some food items the other two don't have, and I hadn't explored the non-grocery part yet and had high hopes to find some items we hadn't been able to find. I know where it is, but I have never walked that stretch, so I really had no idea how far it was. Too far to walk with a toddler! Should have just sucked it up and paid a taxi, but I was not about to jump in a taxi, pay them some stupid amount only to have them drive us around a corner and be there. So, we walked. Again, thankfully, there was a sidewalk, so Isaiah wanted to walk. The only downside is that I have one of those little umbrellas from Target (which seemed good when considering packing space) that really doesn't even cover one person. So, I was walking along the sidewalk, holding the umbrella out over Isaiah and getting soaking wet, much to the amusement of all who passed. He got tired, and I picked him up. Just as I was hitting the wall, we saw it. But, by that time, the whining for the donut had started again.
Well, we went in and went upstairs. There are no carts above the first floor so corraling a toddler while trying to actually look at stuff is not very practical, especially since they have a big toy section filled with brightly colored plastic junk. It's an older store than the two nearer to us, and they might actually have a lot of stuff, but it is poorly laid out, crammed in random spaces, and all looks dingy. So much for my list of that stuff! Well, actually, on a positive note, I DID find super glue, so it wasn't a total loss.
After what felt like a long time of painfully trying to search and keep Isaiah in check, I gave up, and we went down to the grocery area. Great, at least they have carts down there, right? Isaiah was happy to pull out a cart for me but had no interest in going in the cart so started to pitch a fit while being put in. The seats are narrower than carts in the States, so if they don't put their legs all the way through straight at first, they won't be able to straighten them once they're sitting. So, with a minor bit of wrestling, I had a kid in the cart with his knees and folded up and crying. I paused and tried to breathe a bit and told him he was going to have to stay in the cart. I picked him up to start over with the legs, and the security guard rushes over and reaches out to help me put his legs through. Now, I need to admit to perhaps my least shining moment of the day. I know this security guard was just trying to be helpful, and I know that it is just a cultural difference that is beyond my understanding for complete strangers to just grab children here, but in my head, the things that went through my head were 1) Do you really think I just don't know how to put my kid in a cart?! 2) Do you really think I am not going to prove to my kid on my own that I can win this battle?! and 3) Why do random people keep grabbing my kid?!
So, unfortunately, instead of thanking him for his attempt to help, what came out instead was, "Don't! Please don't touch him!!! He's FINE!" Nice. And clearly so am I. Right.
The crabbiness for both Isaiah and I continued throughout searching the grocery area, only to realize they had almost none of the items I actually needed to get. And, upon asking people for a few of the items and getting a random glance around and "No, we don't have," (as if that was really helpful after I had just scoured the area for the item), I gave up. Exhausted, irritated, and needing to get home for lunch time, we checked out the few items we had found and left.
I asked a tuk tuk for a landmark at the end of our side street, and he told me it was just up ahead a couple minutes. At this point I was totally aware of how ridiculous it probably seemed to hop on and ride for 2 minutes, but I didn't even care. After what I'm sure seemed a totally silly short ride to them, we paid and got off and walked home.
As we hit our path, Isaiah perked up and started running and giggling. Nice timing. As we got to our stairs, I realized I was approaching an urgent bathroom situation. Thankfully, we were already home, but it can take a toddler quite awhile to go up two flights of stairs.
After addressing the urgent need, I flopped down on the couch with the library books still in my backpack, three items crossed off my long list of things to get, and wiped out. I kept telling myself I would have these mornings back home as well.
So, now I am left to vent on this blog a bit, realize we all just have these mornings wherever we are, and be ready for a new morning tomorrow.

The Evenings

2010-09-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

So, my love for Nepal is growing. I'm finding many things and people that I quite enjoy, and I'm taking joy in quite a lot of little things about this place. I think I find it more charming in the evening, for some reason. The main streets are bustling and full as the sun starts to sink in the sky, but the neighborhoods seem to start to settle in for the evening. It feels a bit more peaceful. There is still much activity around, but there is something in the cooling of the day and the dimming of the lights around that makes it start to seem cozier. With the exception of some random crazy yapping dogs, the noise around our home lowers.
Though the electricity shutting off in the evenings can be an inconvenience, I think it sort of forces things to slow down, and there is something sort of endearing about a greater simplicity and calmer pace, even if it is imposed by circumstances. I think it seeps into the culture, and it just becomes normal that the business of the day winds down at some point.
There are challenges to things closing down so early and to not having access to eletricity for the things I would like to do or get done. It's not convenient to have to wear a headlamp every time I want to use the bathroom! But, I feel like it is good for me to be forced to accept that a day has ended. It is certainly possible to still do the things that need to get done or that feel particularly important, but the added inconvenience to making it work to still do things makes me reevaluate whether it's actually important to do those things and, even if it is, whether tonight is the time to do them.
It can be really frustrating, but I'm realizing it is actually probably exactly what I need in a season like this, and I realize how very many things I can find to busy myself with back home and just never let the days be done. So, while it is not a natural fit, I think there is something inside of me that is thankful for what Kathmandu evenings bring. I look out at our neighborhood from our home, and though it is dark and there are not many people or much activity to be seen, I feel like perhaps I see this place more clearly in this time than I do in the bright of day.

Conquering the Miracle Oven

2010-09-08T07:16:00.000-07:00

So, I am long overdue for a blog entry. I keep having all these thoughts I want to write about, but I've been so wiped out lately that, when I sit down in the evening, I just want to veg and not think at all!

Anyway, tonight is my introvert night. :) John, Tom, & Alana are attending a discussion group about The Shack on Wednesday evenings. Tom was feeling bad and worried I would feel left out. Tom is an extreme extrovert and doesn't understand that time alone is a treasured treat to an introvert like me. So, they all get something fun for the evening, and I get an evening of time to just be by myself!

So, I thought I'd jump back in on a little blogging with something not too deep--my foray into the world of the Miracle Oven. So, I've used this word foray before, but I thought I should look it up to make sure I'm actually using it correctly, and it turns out that it fits in a funny way even better than I thought! One definition from dictionary.com is "an initial venture," which is what I was thinking. But, the first definition is "a quick raid, usually for the purpose of taking plunder." While it obviously doesn't fit literally, it kind of made me laugh about attacking the Miracle Oven last night and taking no prisoners! Ha.

The Miracle Oven is, well, not that much of a miracle. But, it is sort of brilliant, I guess. It is basically this pot that has a base with a heating stone in it. You set it on top of the burner on the stove, and you put what you want to bake in the pot, and it functions (basically) as an oven.

Don't kid yourselves, though, it is not the same. For one thing, it has a giant hole in the center, so anything you bake is going to be in the shape of a ring with a giant hole in the center! For another, there aren't any temperature settings. You're just setting a pot on top of a gas burner, so you just have to adjust the burner and take your best guess at what might be a reasonable level and amount of time to bake whatever you have put in the pot.

No one here has a "regular" oven. We may, at some point, get a toaster oven, but for now, this is the option we have for baking, so since today is Alana's birthday, I decided that last night I would conquer the Miracle Oven! Haha, plunder I shall take!

Tom bought a cake mix at the store, and I mixed that up, greased up the Miracle Oven, and baked it. I checked at one point, and it was still all gooey. Less than 10 minutes later, it had burned a little. :( Thankfully, it wasn't too bad at all, so I just trimmed a bit out of the center where it got a little too dark.

Now, if the Miracle Oven had been my only challenge in making a birthday cake, it wouldn't have actually seemed that amazing of a feat. But, then comes the frosting. They don't sell frosting here, which is ok because I much prefer homemade frosting anyway. Except, confectioners sugar is a rarity here. We expected that challenge and, on the way home from language class, John and I stopped at a grocery we hadn't been at before that we heard had some other stuff that is harder to find (like cow's milk cheese, which we also obviously had to bring home with us!). They did have "icing sugar," which is what it is labeled as here, but it comes in very small packages. I think they were 100 grams each. Not that grams holds any frame of reference for me, and for those who are with me, it was maybe 3/4 cup in a bag. Luckily, it wasn't too expensive, so we bought four bags and brought them home. So, I was basically going to make a buttercream frosting. Well, the "icing sugar" seems way less sweet than our confectioners sugar, so after dumping in all four bags (expecting I could get away with only 3), it still just tasted like butter AND was way too think to stir, which brings me to the other significant challenge in making frosting--no electric beaters. It is very challenging to beat butter well enough with a whisk, not to mention that the only whisk in the house has a handle that falls off, so you have to hold the handle onto the whisk while trying to whip this all together. Um, it did not look or taste that great! I had to add some milk just to be able to stir it, but then it was too runny, so it just ran all down the sides of the cake. Well, I put it in the fridge, and by this morning, it had firmed up enough that I could put the extra on it, scoop up what had run down the sides, and cover the cake reasonably well. I sprinkled some regular sugar on top, hoping to give a little boost of sweetness, and hoped for the best.

We cut into it this afternoon, and it tasted like a cake, which all things considered, is rather remarkable! It's no airplane cake, but I have to say, I felt a little proud of my conquest! In fact, I'm eating another piece now to celebrate. :) Happy Birthday, Alana!

2010-08-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

First Trip to the OB in Nepal
I am very thankful that I already had a connection here to someone Tom & Alana knew who is a doctor at the local private clinic at the Patan Hospital. He set up an appointment with one of the OB's so that I can continue with my prenatal checkups while we're here in Nepal. I knew that this recommendation was a good and trustworthy one, but I was still very curious as to what the experience of going to the doctor would be like here. And, after my first appointment today, I can say that it went well but definitely was an experience.
The private clinic is within the Patan Hospital, and there was a significant lack of clear signage to figure out where to go, but we (Alana went with me) found it relatively quickly. We went to one side of the front desk to check in for the appointment. He gave me a form to fill out that involved no medical history or insurance information (as opposed to the thick packet you get in the States whenever you go to a new office) and only really contact info, for which they didn't seem to mind if there were gaps. He handed the paper to the guy at the other side of the table, and so we shifted over there. We were waiting, but lines are not really much of a cultural concept here, so someone else just went closer up to the counter ahead of us. As we waited, I noted a binder setting on the counter labeled PAPSMEARS and filled with papers. Not sure what the contents actually were, but it seemed an odd thing to have on the sign-in counter. Suffice it to say that the rigidity with which medical info and records are guarded in the States is not really a factor here.
We shifted closer to the counter, and the guy handed me my paper and another paper and told me to go to room 7. Room 7 seems to be a communal pre-exam room, which contained a desk with a guy sitting at it, a household-type scale, a blood-pressure cuff, and probably some other general use stuff. I handed my paper to the guy at the desk, and when it was my turn, he took my weight and blood pressure. Mind you, "turn" only means I was the one being measured at the time. Everyone is standing around waiting and watching each other, so I had an audience for these prep items. It's a different scale with a bit less precision, and I had to convert from kg to pounds, but it would seem I have lost about 6 pounds since my last appointment at Dr. Bickman's office 3 weeks ago.
Anyway, after this part was done, the man told me to wait outside Room 6. Oh, I almost forgot the best part of Room 7! As I was getting my blood pressure taken, another woman came in to hand her urine sample to the man at the desk. That is obviously different procedure than I'm used to in the States, but the truly notable thing was the bottle. You know those travel-sized bottles you can buy of things like Tylenol that hold about 5 pills? Yeah, that's the size of bottle she was holding. I couldn't help but wonder how on earth she got anything in there without peeing all over her hand. Perhaps she did not. Anyway, it was rather extraordinary! :)
As we were waiting for Room 6, I looked over and noticed a hand-written sign in both English and Nepali next to the door of the "Toilet" (bathroom): "Please keep all urine, stool, papsmears in orange box." There was an orange box setting on top of a metal cart right below it. I have to admit that I was a bit morbidly curious to peek inside the orange box but thought better of it. Alana and I were both a bit baffled by the sign. I mean, urine samples I can sort of understand, though I have a new appreciation for those secret little doors behind the toilets at office in the States. Stool samples seems an unfortunate thing to have setting out in a box in the waiting room...not to mention that I REALLY hope the containers for those samples are bigger than the one I saw for urine! But, the truly baffling one was papsmears. Is that sign really necessary for the nurses? If it's for the people getting the paps, why are they carrying it themselves? Alana was imagining a scenario where you have to go into the bathroom and give yourself the pap. Pretty sure that's not the case but can't quite make the pieces fit!
The waiting room is totally clean but so much different than a clinic in the US. The furniture was all purely functional (basic plastic or wood chairs, which actually seem like they would be much easier to keep sterile), there were no decorations or magazines to read, the walls were all plain white, and the signs were largely hand-written or printed on plain white cardboard and taped to the wall.
The portion of the appointment with the actual doctor was pretty void of interesting cultural bits. There are two parts to the room. I got called into the room by the doctor, who stays in that room. She was sitting at a desk, and there was a dividing curtain, behind which was the exam table. The exam table is not nearly as cushioned as the ones in the US, and there was just a normal pillow (not those odd paper like ones). Dr. Alka was very good, as I assumed she would be. I didn't get to hear the heartbeat or anything, which was a bummer, as I get used to that little reassurance at each appointment in the US. She did say she'll do an ultrasound at 20 weeks, and I'm supposed to go back in one month for another appointment.
After the time with the doctor, I took my chart out to the cashier where you pay in cash (roughly $12 US). Then I took it back to the sign-in desk to set up the next appointment, and then I walked out with my chart in hand, presumably for me to bring back with me next time. :)
All in all, a good but colorful experience!

Sorting Thoughts

2010-08-23T17:51:00.000-07:00

So, my head has felt like it is spinning now for a few weeks. Wrapping up jobs and seasons of other roles we've invested in deeply, trying to clear our apartment to make space for someone else to live there, packing up stuff for four months for our family, leaving dear friends and familiar things in Los Angeles, and making the long journey to be here in Kathmandu for four months...There has been a lot to sort through in thoughts and emotions. There have been moment of clarity and a lot of muddiness to wade through and many things to reflect on more and try to express to share. So, as I find myself wide awake since 2 a.m. for the second night in a row, I figured I might as well jump in on starting to make note of a few.

While we are only gone for four months for now (and will see what God has for us beyond that), it has still been a season of major transition for us. Even when we return to LA, life will be different. Things as we have known them for the past season won't ever be the same. In some things we have had a sense of closure, and in some, there are still things we had to leave without seeing them all neatly wrapped up and made clear. It has been an intense and often overwhelming season, and as the time drew closer to depart, I felt myself detaching emotionally. I was feeling so drained emotionally and mentally, and with a new pregnancy, often even physically. I kicked into "to do" list mode with time running short and so much left to do. After a dear friend asked me about how I was interacting with her, it made me realize how much I had slipped into this functional detached mode, partially out of practical reality but also partially out of self-protection to avoid engaging the hard emotions of leaving.
If anyone had told me within my first year or two of living in LA that I would have such a hard time leaving it, I never would have believed them! But, I have put in roots. I have invested deeply, and many amazing people have invested in me and in my family! I have shared my life with dear friends and a community. On one of the last nights in LA, our church council prayed for us, and one of the things Brad shared was about the leaving that came in the calls God gave people TO something.
In Genesis 12:1, the Lord told Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." When Jesus called the first disciples, they left everything and followed him (Luke 5:11). In thinking about what we were heading toward, I think I forgot about the leaving that is involved in being called into something new. I had avoided it, but as the last week in LA unfolded, I felt the impact of the leaving. Of leaving dear friends that I have shared life with, of leaving a home that might not be much but has been home, of leaving what if familiar and comfortable to head into what is unknown and new and sometimes scary.
And, as we are here, I still feel that impact. I know God has good things here for us, but the leaving is hard.

New Title

2010-08-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

Oh, and in honor of our new adventures, I've changed the title of my blog! :)

2010-08-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

So, I'm obviously a bit behind with updating this blog! We are three days away from leaving for Kathmandu, Nepal, so there is much going on for us to prepare practically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. My brain is feeling a little fried tonight, so I won't try to start capturing it all now, but I wanted to actually make a recent post to get me back on track so that I'll get back into updating during our adventure ahead!

Father's Day (Observed)

2009-06-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

Since John will be driving across the country with a group from Refuge on the actual holiday this Sunday, we set aside some time today to celebrate Father's Day. We were originally going to take Isaiah "swimming" for the first time, but all of the pools start their summertime hours NEXT week. So, we went to the California Science Center instead. They have two "Discovery Rooms" that are especially made for little kids.
The funny thing is that Isaiah is often most fascinated by the what seem to us to be the simplest of objects. There were these three thin metal rings that were maybe around 10" in diameter, and he probably could have sat there and played with those for an hour. And the metal latch on the floor that catches the door...and a stool that is bolted to the ground...and the cushion on the bench. You get the idea. We laughed at having taken him to the Science Center to play with metal rings, but it really is kind of fun to realize that things we completely take for granted are actually fascinating.
He did enjoy the tanks with live animals, but he really had a hard time resisting the urge to pound on the tanks, so we couldn't stick around those for very long. It's also a little tricky to try to get him not to explore the entire area by putting everything in his mouth!
The section of the museum is called "World of Life" or something like that, and there was one doll that had velcro to open the shirt, which exposed cloth displaying her ribs, which also was closed with velcro and could be opened to reveal little stuffed versions of all her internal organs, which could all be removed (but stayed attached by string) and reattached with velcro. While educational, that one weirded me out a bit as a toy!
We did go through one long narrow room on the way out of that section that was basically a long wall of screens with amazing photographs of various living things rotating. He was mesmerized!
After a little stretch at the museum, we went to John's favorite bbq place to have lunch. It's called Mr. Cecil's California Ribs. It was pushing nap time, and serious crying started in the car, so we were a little skeptical, but Isaiah did great! We really are so blessed that he is such an easygoing little guy who rolls with a lot and eats anything! :) We had taken the food mill along, so Isaiah tried some ribs and some baked beans, which he seemed to especially enjoy. I also took out some pieces from the middle of my hush puppies for him to eat. Not the most nutritious meal he's ever had, but he seemed to enjoy it!
What a fun day! And, really, the best part is being able to celebrate what an amazing dad John is! Isaiah and I are both SO unbelievably blessed! Frustrations come, and sometimes we just have to deal with tedious or frustrating things in life, but my prayer is that I'll be able to have eyes to see more of the time the gift that God has given me in being married to John and being able to raise a family with him. God uses John to show us His love and to bless us in so many ways...not to mention that John's just a FUN guy! :)
So, I feel very thankful today. I am thankful for the opportunity to do fun things, explore new and exciting or even simple things with my son, and eat good food. And more importantly, I am thankful for John as my husband and Isaiah's father. So thankful!

Most Exhausting Place on Earth

2009-06-02T22:01:00.001-07:00

Went to Disneyland today. So tired now.

Some of John's family was in town visiting, and they are huge Disneyland fans! So, we took Isaiah for his first trip to "the happiest place on earth."

I was in no rush to introduce Isaiah to Disneyland or subject myself to it again. But, some of the reasons why had faded. They are now fresh again...

1. SO expensive!

2. Crowds. I don't like crowds. Being an introvert and a smidge claustrophobic, I get maxed out for the day in about the first 5 minutes there. Serious energy drain for me.

3. Lines. I'm not a patient person, and I don't like wasting time. Standing in line for 30 minutes (if you're lucky) for something that takes 3 minutes challenges that.

4. Princesses. Would take far more time to explain that one than I have energy for tonight.

5. There are at least as many gift shops as there are attractions.

And, to add a new one to the list...

It takes a LOT of preparation, stuff to lug along, and mental and physical energy throughout the day to take a wiggly little guy somewhere like that!

Ok, all that being said, though, we did have a really nice time. I'm just exhausted!

Isaiah did great! He seems to have gotten at least a significant dose of John's adaptability, which is a blessing! And, he LOVED Small World, which is the one thing at Disneyland I might never get tired of! That's my boy! :)

Protection

2009-06-01T20:13:00.000-07:00

Wow, ok, so after a ridiculous gap, I'm determined to be back at blogging! I blame (in part) Facebook...it is way to easy to pop off little one sentence blurbs, which don't come close to capturing life but take so much less time and seem to at least give a basic thought or update...I'm determined to get back to a bit more depth of thought given to what is going on in and around me!
So, back at it!
So, we had a few "exciting" moments this afternoon. First of all, Isaiah was playing in the kitchen while I was getting some things ready. It is exciting that he is able to entertain himself a bit and enjoys exploring...but it is also a bit nervewracking! He definitely has figured out a way to get around and get himself into some mischief. The other day, he found a cereal box in the recycling pile and emptied out the remaining pieces and ate them off the floor. Today, he pressed the button on Roomba (our robot vaccuum thing), and it turned on and started going right in front of his face and fingers, and he got freaked out! I was afraid he got his fingers pinched, but he was fine, other than a bit scared.
Later, when we went to get the mail, I was carrying him back up the stairs to our apartment and (VERY foolishly) being silly and playful with him. I was sort of quickly and bouncily going up the stairs and watching him more than the steps, and I tripped! I fell and smashed into the steps, and he started to cry, and I think my heart absolutely stopped! I felt panic and fear. I was so afraid he had just gotten badly hurt. Somehow, he didn't get a scrape or bruise or anything. Again, I think it just scared him. I was so wrapped up in whether he was ok or not and badly shaken by him almost getting very hurt that I didn't even notice until about 15 minutes later that my hand was smashed open in several places, and my other arm was all scraped up.
So, tonight, I'm feeling a bit banged up but mostly just reeling a little from the experience. All I could do and think for most of the evening was to thank God for protecting my little boy! It just felt like it sunk in to me how quickly something can happen and how I am not really capable of protecting him. I am so thankful that Isaiah is in God's hands because they are far more capable than mine, but I have to admit that having his protection not completely within my control (though obviously, this particular incident could have been vastly improved by me being more safety-conscious and less clumsy!) is rather unnerving!
I never want to be one of those moms who is filled with fear and hovering over my child's every move and keeping him from exploring and experiencing life, even with all of its risks, but I have to admit that there is a part of me that totally feels a pull to try to shield him from all harm. I don't want a Bubble Boy, but a big padded suit has at least crossed my mind several times today! :)
My little guy is sleeping peacefully now, and I am sitting here on the couch with an aching hand but mostly rattled emotions that I am trying to release. I just pray for nothing to be able to stop God's plans and purposes for little Isaiah's life. I pray against any attacks of the enemy! But I also pray that I will have the grace to not get in the way of all the adventures God will take my little guy on in life, as I realize (again) tonight that I am called to nurture him and protect him at some level, but ultimately, he belongs to God and is in HIS hands!
I think I will bake some Pillsbury Cinnabon rolls as an aid in soothing my nerves and try rest in God's peace! :)

Wonder

2009-01-30T15:47:00.000-08:00

Wow, big gap in blogging. Back at it...
I've been thinking a lot lately as I watch little Isaiah grow and develop and experience the world just how miraculous and amazing life is. Seeing the miracle of a new life is absolutely amazing, but it is also so exciting to experience the world around him! It is such a fresh reminder to me to see the wonder with which he encounters things I take for granted every day and to see the excitement as he gains new skills that I forget are even learned skills.
Right now Isaiah is very fascinated with leaves. Los Angeles is hardly a place known for being lush and green, but even living in the city here and walking the four blocks from our apartment to the church, I have noticed and been so surprised at how many different kinds of trees there are even just in that stretch! How many times have I walked that route and never even considered the creativity expressed in that? I don't remember ever before walking those few urban blocks with any sense of wonder. But now, as I watch my little boy gaze with amazement at all of the things he sees, I can't help but be filled with wonder as well.
It is so much fun to share in Isaiah's experiences and his encounters of so many things and places for the very first time. Just yesterday we walked to the library. On the way over, we stopped at the pet shop. They didn't have a lot of cuddly things for him to touch or look at, but they had a big glass case of parakeets, which he was so excited to watch! On the way home, we stopped at a local shop that makes their own soap and bath products, and he was chattering as we went in, surrounded by lots of new smells. The owner has a golden retriever, and I picked Isaiah up out of his stroller and squatted down. The dog was very gentle and slowly moved toward Isaiah's face and began licking all over his face. Isaiah sort of sputtered a bit and wasn't quite sure what to do with that "first." :) He didn't seem scared, just surprised. He proceeded to giggle most of the way home. Not sure what was so funny, but everything seemed to tickle him and send him into giggles.
On a funny "first," on Wednesday, I pulled out his sock monkey that my dear friend Jen gave him. He is just recently starting to enjoy stuffed animals and be able to grab them well. When I gave it to him, he giggled. Later in the day, he took it again and grabbed the little yarn tuft on its head and giggled again. Yes, Isaiah, sock monkeys are funny!

First Christmas with Isaiah

2008-12-27T09:18:00.000-08:00

So, it has clearly been a long time since I posted. Nothing too deep to say at the moment. The first Christmas with Isaiah was also the first bad cold he's had, so that was sad. I can hear him now (as he is lying in his crib, supposed to be napping) chatting and coughing. In a little while we might go to the hospital to visit our friend's new baby who was born yesterday. Isaiah was the first little guy born in a string of little boys that is coming in our community at the church. So, Isaiah should have plenty of little buddies to play with. Look out, children's church workers! :)

For any who might read this who aren't on facebook, John posted a little lesson on unwrapping gifts by Isaiah. So, here it is...

First you take off the ribbon...Then you eat it.

Then you take off the wrapping paper...Then you eat it.

Then you take out the present...Then you eat it.

Then you are happy! :)

New Developments

2008-11-21T10:10:00.000-08:00

First of all, the biggie...drum roll, please...nearly nine hours of sleep in a row last night! For the little guy, I mean. Not me. I woke up multiple times because it seemed like such a long stretch. He actually seemed like he was waking up about an hour and a half before that (which still would have been a long stretch!), so I quickly went to the bathroom before heading in to nurse him, but when I came out of the bathroom, he had fallen back asleep! So, he went to bed at 8:00 and didn't really wake up to nurse until 4:50. And then, he went back to sleep again until 8:10! Wow! Hope he's not sick or something! :)
Other exciting developments:
He continues to discover his hands. He had been playing with one hand at a time and putting it in his mouth (often gagging himself because he wanted the whole hand in at once). Just in the last couple of days, he has started to rub his hands together and play with his hands together. It's pretty fun to watch.
He also continues to chatter and giggle much more, which is SO fun.
Less than exciting developments:
Pinching. Need I say more? Not so fun.

Counsel

2008-11-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

There is a difference between advice and counsel. Advice is someone telling you what you should do, and I think is often based on little else beyond opinion. Counsel offers insight into your situation and wisdom about life; it is guiding and points you toward wise principles beyond just the current decision.
For counsel, I am so very grateful. For advice, not so much. West Los Angeles has a mostly younger demographic, and I often feel a loss and longing to be surrounded by wisdom that is gained by those who have walked through more of life and who have faithfully seen the hand of God through many seasons. Most of the parenting and life "resources" (books, classes, support groups, etc.) here feel like they are from people who have barely gained more experience or perspective than I have myself and who haven't even seen the fruit of their theories play out.
I am so thankful today (always, really, but am thinking of it especially today) for my friend Rebecca out here. She has walked through more of life than I have. She has sought and continues to seek the fullness of God in her life and in the life of her family. She shares principles and truth about life and wisdom gained from walking through seasons of life. When I talk about life with her, I feel such encouragement and peace about not only what is at hand but what lies ahead. God is faithful. And, I'm especially thankful for those He works through to give wise counsel!

Big Day

2008-11-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

Today was the first day since Isaiah was born that I wore (without other things holding them together) a regular, pre-pregnancy pair of pants. They are one of my looser pairs, but they are still non-elastic waistband, zipper and buttons, pre-preggo pants! Big day. :)

First, the Good News...

2008-11-09T22:03:00.000-08:00

Last night, Isaiah had his longest stretch of sleep yet...just about 5 minutes short of 7 hours! :) Then, he woke up a couple times, but didn't actually wake up for the day until 10:00!
The not as good news...
When he woke up around 7:40 or so, I brought him in our bed with me. (John had already gotten up to get ready to go teach his high school youth group.) He continued to snooze until 10:00. At that time it seemed he was awake and ready to get up for the day. When I slid my hand under him to pick him up, I discovered that he had soaked all the way through his diaper, the diaper cover, his pajamas, his swaddle blanket, AND another blanket I had laid him on to leave a big wet spot on our sheets. That's a lot of pee for such a little guy! Totally worth it, though, for the sleeping in! :)

I think the little guy has actually not been feeling all that great the last couple of days. He took a pretty long nap this afternoon (which is unusual for him lately) and slept through most of the service this evening. When we got home, he was cheerful and alert like his usual self, so hopefully, he is feeling better. Would be nice if he still has a long night of sleep again!

Just a couple photos from the week...

This is an outfit from his Grandpa & Grandma Miller. This was election day actually. He was very patient with us getting him all ready and then waiting in line to vote. Can't complain about the wait compared to what a lot of people hit. Isaiah wasn't much help with the vote, though. When I asked him to raise his right hand for John McCain or his left hand for Barak Obama, he threw both arms up in the air and blew spit bubbles. But he sure looked cute! :)

Videos

2008-10-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

My mom just left to go back home. She spent a little over a week with us, and it was SO great having her here!!!
We are still missing John very much and looking forward to him coming home Saturday!
Here are a few videos of Isaiah:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xZyF2ps1m0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Glr9PRfris

More Fun with Toys

2008-10-24T22:22:00.001-07:00

Here We Are

2008-10-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

I realized how long it has been since I blogged! It has been a lot to start back to work and keep up with the little guy. Can't say I have it figured out yet as to how to fit all that together.

John is in Canada for 2 weeks for his masters program. We miss him! Thankfully, my mom came Tuesday for just over a week to help us out! Isaiah has been doing fairly well sleeping at night--a new record Wednesday night of 5 1/2 hours in a row. However, he seems to be boycotting any form of daytime sleeping. He fights it like crazy, which means he's had some cranky times. I do think he actually was getting a little bored, though, which seems weird for such a little guy, but since we put some colorful toys on his bouncy seat, he loves to watch them and bounce and see them flop around. He even sort of giggles at them, which is super cute! Here is a little video of the first day we tried it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmDpK9WbELI
It's pretty rough because we mostly just took it for John and my Dad to see, but it's still fun to watch him.

He's also been "talking" a ton. Last night he cooed and babbled back and forth with me for almost an hour! He has been working on his little leg muscles, too. When you hold him up, he pushes his feet down and tries to stand. He actually supports a fair amount of his weight on those little legs. I think he's just dying to run around all over the place! :)

Go Cats!

2008-09-26T17:23:00.000-07:00

Since John is a proud Northwestern alum and former Willie the Wildcat (literally, he was the mascot in college), Isaiah needed to sport some attire for football season. It is pretty big on him, but I'm pretty sure he enjoys being like his daddy! :)

He listened to his first Northwestern football game on the radio last Saturday. (We don't get them on TV out here usually.)
Tomorrow, there is actually a gathering of Northwestern alumni at a local place to watch the game on a cable station. We might try to take Isaiah. Since we're Pacific time, it starts here at 9:00, which is early lately to actually get out of the house these days, but we'll see how it goes. Doubt we'd make it through the whole game anyway, so maybe we'll just go late. So sorry to all my family who are die-hard Hawkeye fans, but Isaiah has to cheer against you tomorrow. :) Go 'cats!

Baffling

2008-09-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

So, what I can't figure out is how such a massive amount of pee can come out of someone the size of my son! I mean, it's not as if he can fit a bladder the size of Texas in that little body, but then how does all that liquid come out?
By noon, he had soaked through his THIRD outfit since getting up this morning! Soaked! Through the diaper, through the cover, and absolutely soaked the clothes! Seriously, where does it all come from?

And, in other liquids, at one of his feedings this morning, I put him up to my shoulder to burp him. He lifted his head (which is getting so strong at doing!) and milk shot out of his nose right at my face. Good times.

Hard-Earned Photo

2008-09-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

So, here is Isaiah's 5-Week Picture...

It was actually taken when he was 5 weeks and 1 day old. Thursday was a very rough and fussy day, so we took it on Friday instead. Friday was also a rough day, and I had just gotten him calmed, but then John needed to leave with the camera for the rest of the afternoon, so we decided to try the photo. Well, it's no small accomplishment that we got even one that is sort of happy looking! Take a look at the progression! :)

A very exhausting photo shoot...

Grandparents!

2008-09-16T16:52:00.000-07:00

So, my parents came last Wednesday to see us and meet Isaiah. They helped SO much around the apartment and were so great with the little guy!

Then, John's parents came also for the weekend...

On Sunday night, we had Isaiah's baby dedication at our church service. It was such a beautiful time. Joel led the time, and we were so glad to have our parents here. We are so thankful to have such a wonderful and loving community around us as we raise Isaiah!

On top of all the visitors, Isaiah has been really active! He has started smiling, which is SO cute! It is still not incredibly clear-cut what makes him smile, but it has passed beyond just a sign of having gas. :) He smiled a lot for his grandparents--showing off, I think! He has also started to look around a lot and work on holding his head up. He can also roll over (sort of); today he did it twice. I was sitting next to him, so once he got up to his side, he had a bit of a downhill advantage to finish the rest of the roll, but it still is a big deal!
He's having quite a fussy afternoon...I think he misses Grandpa & Grandma already...I know I do!!!

Video

2008-09-09T22:04:00.001-07:00

For any who haven't already had the pleasure of watching Isaiah's dramatic performance through Facebook, here is your chance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EgTos7dlHg

:)

Thank goodness!

2008-09-08T11:31:00.001-07:00

Two reasons to be thankful today:
1. Football season has started...

Heisman! :)

2. My boys are feeling better (as you can see from the photos!). :)

John was feeling really crummy this weekend with some sort of stomach bug. Isaiah was pretty congested and fussy. Isaiah is still congested today, but I think it's just normal baby congestion. He is happier today and seems to be feeling well other than the stuffy nose. So glad whatever miserable bug John had seems to have passed.

And, with John feeling better, he took Isaiah with a bottle to a coffe shop with him so that they could hang out while John does some of his work and reading. That means a shower and a nap for me! :) John is a great husband and a great father; he is amazing with Isaiah. I'm so glad to see him feeling better!

Get a Grip

2008-09-04T10:07:00.001-07:00

Isaiah has started to really grip onto things. Before he would wrap his fingers around something but not really hold it. Now, he really grabs stuff. Pretty frequently now, when I bring him down from burping him on my shoulder, the burp cloth comes with him because he has ahold of it. Yesterday, John was holding him while I warmed up some dinner. He had been a little fussy, and I thought I would feed him before I sat down to try to eat. John had put Isaiah tummy down across his chest. When I went to lift him up, he grabbed on to Daddy's T-shirt and wouldn't let go! So, I let him stay with Daddy as it seemed he was not ready to leave. :)

Today Isaiah is three week old!!! We'll have to take his weekly picture a little later today.

The doctor told us yesterday at our wellness check that since Isaiah is gaining weight well (8 lbs 12 oz now!), we no longer have to wake him at night to feed him; we'll just let him wake up. Seemed exciting, but he woke up an extra time last night from the nights when we had been waking him, so I don't know that extra sleep is anywhere in the immediate future. :)

Growing

2008-09-01T14:41:00.001-07:00

So, it is hard to believe that in such a short time, Isaiah is already growing and changing a lot. Here he is at one week old...

And, here he is at two weeks old...

Man, he's cute! Looking at John's baby pictures, I think Isaiah is starting to look like his daddy! :)

Today

2008-08-19T18:53:00.001-07:00

I just can't get over how absolutely overwhelmed I am with my love for this little guy!

Isaiah has been "helping" his daddy with grad school reading and preparing for the class he has to teach.

Yesterday we went to the pediatrician for the first visit, and today I went to a support group for breastfeeding moms at this place called "The Pump Station" (nice name). I think I realized that an outing a day for two days in a row is a bit too much for both little Isaiah and for me right now. All I want to do is stay home for the next several days and not even step outside the door. Maybe by tomorrow I feel motivated enough to take a walk...But, beyond that, I want to just stay in and soak up time with my beautiful little guy! (That and possibly take a nap!)

These lovely flowers are from our extra "family" at the Vineyard staff.

He's here!

2008-08-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

I can only imagine that I will be writing non-stop about every little thing that this miraculous, precious little gift of ours does, but today, I am sleep-deprived and just happy and overwhelmed by the privilege of having our new little Isaiah Jackson Snowden in our home.

He was born on Thursday, August 14 at 7:30 a.m. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and is the most beautiful thing in the whole wide world!

He is home now and doing well. John took him for a walk this afternoon and is now holding him. John is an amazing dad, and I am so blessed to share this life adventure with such an amazing man!

Anyway, for today, just a couple quick photos and my expression of great joy!!!

Baby's Room

2008-08-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

Some sweet friends came over Saturday and helped me clear and organize some things from Baby's room, and today, John hung up the stuff on the walls. It feels like the room is really ready to have a baby living in it! Whoa, it's exciting!

Getting Ready and Waiting

2008-08-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hey, guys! When is Baby Snowden going to get here?

Well, it could be any day now. The due date is still two weeks away, so it could be any day or four weeks from now! That's a pretty broad range for a Type-A planner like me. :)

I am plodding along with my preparations. I just move a lot slower these days with everything! And there is so much I would still like to get done before he comes. I may need to accept that not all of it will be in perfect order. Bleh.

My major accomplishment of the day was to finally finish the curtains that I was making for Baby's room. They still need to be hemmed, but I went ahead and hung them for now. May have to enlist Grandma Miller's (my mom) help when she comes if they don't get hemmed before then. Here's a little shot of them...

And a close-up of the fabric. What could be more fun than monkeys playing funky tribal drums? :)

Cloth Diapering--Gearing Up!

2008-07-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

So, I've been really determined to try to do the cloth diapering thing, but it has come a long way since the days of basic flat cloth with pins and rubber pants. There are so many options! I've been looking on some message boards, and it gets a little overwhelming trying to sort through it all. Anyway, I came across this contest where you can win 12 FREE AIO's (which stands for All-In-Ones, as I'm learning from message boards)! I LOVE free stuff. So, if you're a mom or going to be soon and happen to read this, check out the contest:

http://babycheapskate.blogspot.com/2008/07/giveaway-12-bumgenius-30-diapers.html

5 Years; 36 Weeks

2008-07-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

John and I celebrated our 5-Year Anniversary last weekend! We went to a little B&B closeby that we stayed at after our wedding. We spent a nice relaxing day together, and it was so nice to get away even a little bit.

I'm so thankful and so blessed to have such an amazing husband! Seriously, he is so good to me, and I just can't wait to see him with Baby Snowden because he's going to be an amazing dad!

While we were there, we were playing around with the camera, and John had the idea to try to take a silhouette picture of the baby belly. It turned out pretty fun, and you can definitely see how big it is these days! I just hit 36 weeks this Tuesday, so while it is still early and unlikely to happen quite yet, it really could be any day now! Wow!

Humbling Moments

2008-07-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am getting really large these days, and it has been humbling to feel my energy fading! I really packed a lot of events for my work at the church into July because I was (rather naively) thinking, Well, as long as I have things pretty clear by early August (due date is the 19th), that should be fine, right? I am teaching a class at the church for a summer series we have, and it ends July 29. I've had a lot of people come up and ask me, What are you thinking?! Well, I was thinking, I've never done this before! How should I know any better?! Not to mention that I come from a family of people on both sides who never retire and probably cooked three full meals after helping in the field the day they gave birth! Ok, so maybe an exaggeration, but point being, I don't come from a long line of people who know how to just "take it easy."
Anyway, I've had to face some of the limitations on my energy this week, but an even more humbling moment came on Saturday. I had gone for a walk Friday morning and felt my toes poking and rubbing and thought, Oh, I probably need to trim by toenails; it's been awhile. So, Saturday morning when I was getting ready to walk again, I went into the bathroom to cut my toenails only to discover that I can't actually reach them well enough to accomplish such a task!!!
So, I rather sheepishly called out to John that I needed some help (which I think scared him for a moment considering the room I was calling from!), and my dear husband helped me out with this task, which I don't imagine you really foresee yourself ever needing to help another adult complete. He's awfully good to me! And, I suppose it is a good lesson for me overall because it is hard to be too stubbornly self-sufficient when you need assistance to cut your own toenails! :)

Father's Day

2008-06-18T09:00:00.001-07:00

I love seeing my boys bonding already! I'm really blessed to have such a great husband! He's been so great with the pregnancy, and Iknow he's going to be the best dad! He's already so good with the little guy. I couldn't ask for someone better to raise a family with!!!

Recurring Insanity

2008-06-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

So, I often get these ideas/projects in my head that I think will be so great and not really that big to carry out. I don't know why I think they won't be huge because they always are!
I had a busy week this week with a lot going on, but we had some friends getting married this weekend, and they had decided to have a cake contest for their reception instead of the traditional cake, so of course, I thought this would be a great idea for me to participate in. And, of course, I had a vision. Well, having had such a busy week, I finally convinced myself of one compromise to make both parts of my cake the same instead of trying to pull off two different recipes as well. So, I was feeling rather proud of setting a limit for myself. :) Clearly, still not moving back into the realm of realistic expectation, though, as the cake probably took a total of about 7 hours! Thought I'd at least show the fruits of my labor with these photos. The groom is a sound engineer, and both of them actually do sound mixing at our young adult service at church, so it is supposed to be a little sound guy with headphones at a sound board. (The teal was one of their wedding colors.)
Now, don't get me wrong. It was fun. I do enjoy it. I think it reminds me of my Grandma Nila to make cakes and things like this. And, I did win the contest! :) It's just that maybe next time I will not try to cram one more "little" project into an already hectic week. It's seems doubtful, though, that I've learned my lesson. I never do.

Bad Ideas

2008-06-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

Curry during pregnancy.
Since I spent some of the earliest weeks of pregnancy in India, I have had a definitely decreased desire for Indian food the past few months. Sort of sad because I love Indian food! Usually, when we return from a trip, I could go ahead and eat Indian food the very next day. It took me over a month this time to even feel up for it. Mostly, it's the smell. The taste didn't really repulse me; I just wasn't ready to soak in the smell.
I still haven't gotten back to the place where I am eager for Indian food yet, but at least it is not a completely unappealing thought.
Well, tonight, I got dinner for John and me from a local Japanese food place. They tell you not to eat raw fish during pregnancy, so that limits much of the menu there. But, the food is really good, and they are especially focused on being healthy and organic with their ingredients and all, so I like to go there. Well, tonight, I thought I would try the veggie and tofu curry. I've never had it before, but I have had their chicken curry before, and it's quite good. And Japanese curry is different than Indian curry, so I was feeling optimistic. When I got into the car with the food, my optimism started to fade a bit because the smell was strong and a bit too reminiscent of Indian curry. Well, I got home and started to eat it, and it tasted quite good. I ate about half of it and closed up the rest to save for tomorrow. I don't think those leftovers are going to get eaten, though, because now my entire digestive system is staging a minor revolt. I say minor because I'm not puking or anything, but there is obvious displeasure on the part of my system! It's not good.
So, now there are several strikes against curry in its many forms. :(
I think I'll wait to have it in any form again until after Baby Snowden comes out!

What I Deserve

2008-05-23T13:26:00.001-07:00

A couple weeks ago, a friend was commenting on being excited for us with the pregnancy and what a blessing it is to be having the baby. He said, "You deserve it."
While this friend was being genuinely being sweet and affirming and meant to just be encouraging, I was thinking more about it on my walk a few days later, and it has been coming back to me since...
The thing is that I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of the amazing blessings God has poured out on my life. Really. I've been a pretty good person, in a lot of people's minds, but I'm nowhere near to being as loving as I was created to be. I can be stubborn and prideful, and mainly, no matter how hard I work at being perfect, there is just nothing that is within my human ability to earn from God. He is holy. He is perfect. He is love. I am not. In fact, the simple fact that I so often try to live out of my own resources rather than live in full dependance on Him is enough to prove that I fall short of His purposes and plans and am owed nothing.
Grace challenges me. Receiving love and love that I have in no way earned is somehow harder. But nowhere does God tell me to do stuff to earn His love. He asks for my love in return for His. He asks me to follow Him, rely on Him, and all service I give Him is empty is it doesn't flow out of a heart of love and grace.
I don't know why God has so richly blessed me. There are certainly others who seem so deserving of more blessings and less hardships. And I know that until Jesus returns, there will be the effects of the Enemy in this world, though we hope in the One who has ultimately already overcome!
Anyway, since I deserve absolutely nothing, His grace and His blessing in my life truly overwhelm me! John and I are so thankful for Baby Snowden coming, and I hope we never forget that this is God's gracious and undeserved gift in our lives!

New Shoes

2008-05-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

So, I bought a pair of sandals Monday night. They are just a flip-flop style, but I had to buy a size 9! (Usually wear a size 8; they didn't have half sizes.) Perhaps those particular shoes are just sized oddly. :) That's what I'm telling myself anyway!

On a serious note, I am praising God for good health reports for both my brother Ben and me this week. My brother had a mass removed from his bladder last week (after having a malignant mass a little over a year ago), but the biopsy came back totally clear! So, no cancer!!! Mine was more minor, but I had my glucose tolerance test last week, and it came back perfectly normal! Praise God for his hand on our family!

Mothers

2008-05-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

My mom really blessed us by coming out to help for a few days this past week. She painted Baby Snowden's room, which is very exciting! The pictures don't do the colors justice. It makes it feel like a whole new room, and it is very exciting!

We went out Saturday night to a Moroccan restaurant to celebrate Mother's Day before Mom left Sunday morning.

It was really a HUGE blessing to have her here and to have her help!!!

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day, I guess. I know we can't actually see Baby Snowden yet, but I can tell he's here. :) He has spurts when he is pretty wiggly, and John has started to play a game to poke him, and he responds with kicks and such. (Keep in mind, I'm the intermediary for all such games!) It's really fun knowing he's in there! John got me a really nice basket of plants to bring a little life to Baby's room for now, and you can also sort of see Baby's crib, which is now assembled and ready, in the picture. I also got another brilliant Mother's Day present--I guess my grunts and lack of speed and agility in picking things up lately has not gone unnoticed! :)

Fat Feet!

2008-04-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

Just got back today from a dear friend's wedding in DC. It was a great weekend and a wonderful celebration. Unfortunately, I spent a lot of time standing (much of it in heels), and between that and flying and coming back to a hot day in LA, my feet and ankles are quite swollen and a bit sore! I'm really hoping that the fat feet haven't taken effect for the rest of the pregnancy! I'm telling myself it's the combination of those factors and will go away at least for awhile before returning for the duration. Hope that's true. Fat feet. :(

Growing

2008-04-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have entered a phase where it seems that no part of my body any longer belongs to me! I have had a remarkably smooth and easy pregnancy so far, and any aches and such are still minor. It is just the consciousness that nothing feels quite normal. Sometimes my stomach feels like it might fall right off if I don't strap it on, and it's only going to get MUCH bigger! For the first while, I was behind average with weight gain. It wasn't cause for any concern, as it seems to be rather common on first pregnancies. When I went for my appointment last Wednesday, it would appear I am catching up--15 pounds! Baby Snowden is wiggling about right now. I can actually even see him moving!
With all the growing, it added a bit of a challenge to my dress for my dear friend's wedding. The wedding is coming up this Saturday. We had ordered the bridal party dresses online, and when mine arrived 6-7 weeks ago, it was already too small! Yikes! Not an easy alteration either, as the dress has multiple layers and curved seams. Not to mention the color--so difficult to find matching fabric! Anyway, a friend out here recommended a tailor. I just picked up the dress from him Saturday, and it fits! Fanstastic! He did a great job and charged such a low price. I told him he had no idea how big of a deal it is that he did such a great job and saved my sanity!

Movement Within

2008-04-05T22:30:00.001-07:00

I felt little Baby Snowden move for the first time! How amazing and exciting! I may have actually felt him move last Thursday evening and again that Friday. I wasn't very sure because there are so many weird feelings right now, but last night was distinct. John and I had gone to bed for the night, and he had his hand resting on my stomach. All of the sudden, I felt this sort of light tap. I thought John had fallen asleep and his hand twitched a little or something, but he was still awake. I told him I thought I just felt the baby move, and then I felt it again! John couldn't feel it, but it was definitely not gas this time! :)
Then today after I had been walking around the grocery store for about an hour (yeah, not the world's fastest grocery shopper), I sat down in the car and called John to ask about dinner, and I felt the little one move a few times.
Again tonight while we were laying on the couch watching TV, I felt it. This time John put his hand there, and as I felt it a couple more times, John could feel it too this time! SO cool!!!
I was kind of feeling bummed before because lots of women say they have felt the baby move by this point (almost 21 weeks), and I hadn't. We just had the ultrasound yesterday, so I knew he was ok and everything. (Note the pronoun!) All of the sudden, he has clearly made his presence known, and it thrills me!
I realize I may not feel quite as enthusiastic as he gets bigger and it starts to feel like various internal organs are being kickboxed. But, it just seems like the most amazing thing in the world!
Can't wait to see and hold the little guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

"We are victorious failures and broken winners."
~Derek Morphew

2008-03-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I had invited my neighbor kids over to do some Easter art projects. Four of the girls came over today, which actually was a really nice time to just have a small, mellow group to connect with a bit. I had blown out 18 eggs to put confetti in and then paint. It's sort of a cultural thing in Mexico, I believe, to have these eggs and then break them over each other's heads once they are found. Anyway, the girls really enjoyed painting these blown-out eggs. There is something about paint that they really love. I think they just get to do it so rarely.

At one point one of the little girls asked when Easter is. I said Sunday, and today is Good Friday. Do you know why they call it Good Friday? She said yes, but then said something about getting to stand up when you eat. Don't know what that was about.

I asked if any of them know what Easter is for. One of the girls said, "God." Well, there's a bit more...

They are all "very" Catholic, which is so tied to their cultural identity more than anything else. At least one of the families goes to church at least once a week, and they have no idea what Easter celebrates! So, I said that Good Friday is when Jesus died on the cross, and Easter is when he rose again from the dead. I was feeling pretty excited to even have had the chance to say that.

Then came the question that has been asked at least a dozen times before, but it seems so important to distinguish, "Are you Christian or Catholic?" Oh. :(

I tried to talk about how Christian just means you believe in Jesus, so Catholics are Christians too, and the other Christians are called Protestants. Well, they've never heard of Protestants, so one girl firmly declared the distinction is that they don't believe in Mary! It's not like we don't believe she existed! It's just SO significant to them that we don't give her the honor and due she is believed to be worthy of in that culture, and it is a significant issue to them. It makes me sad that they don't even know why they celebrate Easter, but they're offended by a Christianity that doesn't celebrate Mary's birthday!

Anyway, still a good day but a little sad to hit those barriers. Not sure if it makes much difference sometimes to have them over for times like this, but they like to come. So I'll keep having them.

Spiritual Formation

2008-03-18T17:07:00.000-07:00

I am working today on catching up on one of the many assignments I have outstanding for graduate school. It has not been easy to keep up with the work, but I continue to be blown away by the experience of being part of this program. Each time we have a class, I think it cannot possibly get any better, but it just keeps building on the experience and knitting together knowledge, wisdome, experience, character, and more in such profound ways.
The class for which I am working on the paper currently was a four-day intensive on Spiritual Formation taught by Peter Fitch. He is from St. Stephens University, which is the university through which our accredidation comes. It was incredible. There is so much more that I could (and want to say about it), but for the moment, I am going to leave a quote (even that is hard to choose just one!) from one of our reading assignments ("On Loving God" by Bernanrd of Clairvaux):
“He who trusts in the Lord not because he is good to him but simply because he is good truly loves God for God’s sake and not for his own…There are some who praise God for his power, some who praise him for his goodness to them, and some who praise him simply because he is good. The first is a slave, fearful on his own account. The second is mercenary, and desires profit for himself. The third is a son who honors his father.”

Oh, to live simply as a daughter who honors her Father!

Community Meeting

2008-03-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

So, tonight, John and I attended the Mar Vista Community Council Quarterly Stakeholders Meeting. With my new job, it's great to not only have the time to connect with more of what's happening in the community but to actually have the responsibility for my job to focus on those things.
Anyway, I've been building relationships with some great people who are active in the community, and there is a big community day of service coming up Saturday that is very exciting and involves over 50 projects to serve and improve the community.

I mention those things first to point out that I am truly glad to be able to be a part of such community happenings before I move on to listing some amusing aspects of tonight's meeting. That being said, here are some highlights of the meeting:
* Definitely being the youngest of the crowd there. There were maybe 5 others (out of a total of maybe 40) that were in our same age bracket, and only one of those stayed the whole time.
* Despite being the youngest, I was the one who didn't make it through the entire meeting sitting on the incredibly hard metal chairs we were all sitting on and had to stand for the latter portion of the meeting.
* This is truly the first time I have heard mention of a Joint Pole Commission. Granted, it is in the context of cell phone towers (aka poles, apparently), but it made me giggle.
* Also, L.A. city and school systems and all types of groups out here have a serious love of and overuse of acronyms. There were times when the acronyms and codes outnumbered the actual words being spoken. My personal favorite for the evening, though, is BONC (which, yes, they all pronounced as "bonk"). It stands for the Bureau Of Neighborhood Commissioners. But, when you call something BONC, does it really matter what it stands for if you want to be taken seriously?

Anyway, we're glad we went to the meeting. It was a bit long and dry, but you can find moments of humor in almost anything.

Gym Class as a Kid

2008-03-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

So, I was walking to work today, and I passed a pickup truck that had some sort of wheel dolly in the back of it. It reminded me of childhood gym classes. What is the connection you might ask? Well, I started to think back about this and other fond (and strange) childhood gym class memories at good ol' Morgan Township Elementary School.
Despite the fact that there is NO way in the world any of these things would pass modern safety standards, they all seemed fun at the time.
So, let's start with the dolly...We used to have these little 4-wheeled dolly/palette-like things. We had all kinds of races with these things: laying on our bellies and scooting ourselves with our hands (lots of swollen fingers from this one), laying on our bellies and having another person hold our legs and push us (again many swollen fingers), obstacle courses, scooter-style races, and many other fun things in which these fun little carts could slip out from under us or run over fingers.

Then there was "tumbling." To back up a minute, I forgot to mention that our elementary school principal was always our gym teacher. Well, during the latter half of elementary school, this was a very tall man who, coincidentally, was my mom's drivers' education instructor! "Tumbling" basically consisted of spreading out a mat and then running up and flipping over Mr. S's knee or his back, if he was on all fours. Not a lot of focus on form. Or safety (notice a theme). Yeah, so it is hard to believe that children flipping over a grown man's knee, but I promise it was totally harmless and a great deal of fun!

In fifth grade, we divided into boys and girls for basketball season. All boys played basketball, and all girls practiced cheerleading! Augh. Anyway, there were two of us girls who didn't want to cheerlead, so we would play basketball with the boys. Inevitably, Mr. S would forget and assign one of us to the "skins" team.

Dodgeball, parachutes, basketball, presidential fitness tests, basketball, kickball, lots of throwing things and running around...and oh yeah, did I mention that growing up in the Hoosier state meant lots of playing basketball? Ah, fond memories. I think gym class was a lot more fun when they weren't all concerned about safety standards and lawsuits! We all survived and have a lot of stories to look back on fondly. Good times.

Life Within

2008-02-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I find myself understanding life within in a whole new way! Baby Snowden is actually growing inside of me! It really sort of blows my mind!

Sometimes it hardly seems real. I'm no excited to get all big and fat, but in some ways, it would feel like there was outward evidence of what's going on.

I feel unbelievably tired so much of the time! That's a hard adjustment for me. I'm not used to just hitting the wall and having my body just stop. My body has no regard for my to-do list these days!

Thankfully, though, I really haven't been sick. Minor nausea. Significant food aversions at times. No eagerness whatsoever to eat South Indian food again anytime soon after the phase I was in when I was there! Also, a bizarrely heightened sense of smell. Not always a blessing. Like when traveling in India--LOVE India, but there are a LOT of smells! Even here at home things just smell so strong sometimes. It's weird.

I'm very excited! All I feel tremendously motivated to do lately is sit around and read books about pregnancy, babies, nutrition, etc. If anyone actually reads this and has any book recommendations, I'd love to hear them.

For now, I'll end with our first look at Baby Snowden. Can't wait to meet the little one in August!!!

India Log

2008-01-23T08:24:00.000-08:00

While a bit late (now that I'm back) and quite long, I thought I'd post all of the updates I wrote while in India...

January 8
So, it has been a significant stretch here to begin the trip withoutemail or phone access. When they said the conference was in Chennai,that was a bit of an approximation. :) It was in a rather remote areacalled Mahabalipurim about an hour and a half outside bus ride fromChennai. So, internet and phone were not so easy to come by.
Anyway, I am here in Dehradun now, and John and the team are alsohere. It is great to see them! I am also very thankful to be in oneplace for a stretch of time, as I figured out on Sunday evening that Ihad spent almost equal time in India up to that point in various modesof transportation as I had doing anything else! To sum up my travels,I had a flight from LA to London (around 10 hours), a layover inLondon (9 hours), flight to Delhi (9 1/2 hours), afternoon break,train ride to Chennai (33 hours), waiting in station (2 hours), busride to Mahabalipurim (1 1/2 hours), and then after the conference,the return bus ride back to Chennai, a few hours in the train station,the return train trip to Delhi, a metro ride to the bus terminal, abus ride to Dehradun (8 hours). Whew! Glad to be done with that.Hindsight being what it is, it would have been nice to fly directlyinto Chennai! :)
The travel felt very tiring to me this time, and it seemed to take mea little longer to get oriented to what in the world day it was! Itwas really great to be at the conference with those from the Vineyardsfrom all over India. I was privileged to join all of the pastors fora couple of afternoon discussions and further vision and plans werebeing discussed and are taking shape. I also had many wonderfulconversations and times of connecting with various people. Iparticularly enjoyed sharing a room with my sweet friends Alotoly andAtoli (sisters of pastor Sunny's wife Vika), though our other tworoommates amused us quite a bit.
On the last night of the conference, there was a talent night. I justhave to share a few highlights that stuck out to me as a Westerner.The first was a song. As the girl got up to share the song, theperson who was introducing her, said she was going to sing a song fromIndia's favorite English movie. I sat there wondering what it couldbe and would everyone actually have one collective favorite. Sheasked the group what the movie was, and without hesitation and inperfect unison, everyone shouted, "Titanic"! Wow, really?! Maybe I'mbiased being from LA, but I think we've put out a lot of good moviessince then! Anyway, she proceeded to sing "My Heart Will Go On" withwhat was a strange combination of an Indian accent and an attemptedAmerican accent that came off as Southern. Interesting.The second was, not one, but TWO solo dance performances to "Move YourBody." Not actually sure if that is the name of the song, but it is arather, um, crass rap song that I am fairly certain shocked many ofthe people in the room, and the ones who weren't shocked probablydon't speak English. The particularly amusing performace to me wasfrom a boy from Mottrawalla (a very small village outside ofDehradun). This boy barely speaks any English, has rarely been pastDehradun in any travels, and yet was up in front with an Avril LavigneT-shirt (unconnected other than being American, I guess), doing theserap guy moves with a little gangsta' attitude on his face!Unbelievable! Apparently, the kids in the village there gather at onehouse to watch MTV! So strange.
We took the team yesterday to two Hindu holy cities to get a betterunderstanding of the culture here and the dynamics of the religion.One of the ladies from the church here accompanied us and brought herson. As he was drinking a juice box, one of the many wandering streetcows passed him and made a sudden movement that knocked him over. Hehit his forehead on the rough stone pavement and instantly had thisgigantic knot forming on his head! After much confusion and somedisagreement from the locals, we got some ice to put on it. He seemedfine by last night, but please pray he will not have any trauma oranything from it.
Tomorrow we will spend the day in the village, visiting homes and thendoing a children's program (not planned ahead of time, so a bit ofscrambling today to prepare).
Please continue to pray for health for the team. The weather is notnearly as cold as last year, but the air quality is quite poor. Weare all doing well so far, though.
I should sign off as I need to visit the tailor and then meet up withthe team for some dinner and some preparations for the rest of theweek.

January 9
We have actually been ableto now connect to the wireless connection at our hotel on our laptop!It is a bit slow and sometimes doesn't work, but overall, it's veryconvenient! The hotel manager said yesterday that we can pay himwhatever price we think is fair. Not exactly the way we're used tobusiness operating in the U.S.
So, a quick note from my previous email about Abheet (the little boywith the bump on his head)...John and Patrick went to a home group athis family's house this evening, and he is doing just fine! The bumpis barely even visible, and he's had no ill effects. Part of being alittle boy is the bumps and bruises, I guess.
Yesterday, after scrambling to pull together some supplies for thechildren's outreach in the village today, we found out we won't bedoing that until Friday. At least we're prepared. We still went tothe village today. When I talk about "the" village, there is one mainone (Mothrowala), but it is actually a series of home clusters invarious spots. I don't actually know the names of all of them, ifthey even have official separate names. We started at Sanjay's home,who is the pastor of the village church. His is also the home wherewe set up the water purification system last year when we were here.There is one part on the system that just broke, so we will replacethat while we are here, but it seems to be working well. Sanjay is avery charismatic and wonderful guy! We very much enjoy spending timewith him and his family, though there can be some communication gapssince his English is limited, and my Hindi is pre-beginner! Johnasked him this morning, "So, Sanjay, whose homes will we be visitingtoday?" He paused for a moment to think of how to respond in English,and then he said, "All." Hmmm....
Well, we actually did visit more homes in one day than I probably everhave done anywhere. So, perhaps "all" was not that bad of adescription. We went to a more village cluster than I had evervisited before. Sanjay was directing the taxi driver (who is from thecity part of Dehradun) on how to get there, and we basically came tothe edge of a river (small one, but still seemed a bit more than acreek to me). Sanjay was directing the driver to go on, and Ithought, Surely we are not going to actually drive across this water.Wrong. After some skepticism from the driver as well, Sanjay directedhim to follow along certain rocks, and we drove right across. Sanjaygrinned and said, "No water."
After visiting a few homes in that village, we went on to a clusterwhere the majority of the people either are or used to be snakecharmers. (Side note: I hate snakes! Luckily, none of them came outtoday! Last year when we visited one guy's home, he poked the basketwhere the snake was sleeping. He looked up and said, "He angry...Youhold him?" Angry snake?! No thanks!) We visited many homes thereand then ended our time at a home a little ways away where fourbrothers and their families all live that we know quite well.
Every home we went to wanted to give us chai (tea). We had it severalplaces, but luckily, Sanjay told many of them we had to move on, or Ithink we'd all be floating by tonight. In so many of the homes wevisited, many people had "fever." Since most don't go to doctors formuch, they tend to have rather generic descriptions of illnesses, soit is hard to say what was actually going on for many of them. Pleasepray for their health. Most live in rather sparse conditions, so itis hard for them to get over even a basic cold when the weather isless than ideal. Please also pray for protection over the health ofour team as we spent much of the day in small homes with many who wereill. We are trusting God to protect us as we know He was with us, butplease just keep it in your prayers for us to be protected. We reallydid have a wonderful day visiting the homes, and I think the teamreally enjoyed the experience of visiting the homes of these familiesthat live so differently.
Well, I am fading quickly this evening, so I'll sign off.

January 14
So, we're on our last couple of days in Dehradun, and then we'll headto Delhi for a couple of days before returning home on Saturday.Sunday morning, John and Michelle went to the village church whereJohn gave the message, and Patrick, Emily, and I went to the citychurch. I played the keyboard and sang with them for worship, which Ialways enjoy. The worship leader Pinto is a good friend of John andmine and is an amazingly gifted worship leader and just a whole lot offun, as is his wife Mercy. Then I gave the message for the morning,which several commented to me that it was timely and significant forthem, which I am glad about.
Then, Sunny had arranged a trip to the "jungle" for us and some folksfrom the church. Details and communication were rather vague, so wewere all wondering exactly what the experience would involve. A pointworth noting is that the place we went, we would more likely label aforest. Well, there was a comfortable guesthouse there that we allstayed in. There were 23 people, including kids, that all fit inthree vehicles with gear to go there. We also only had 2 bedrooms, sothe whole floor of the main room of the house was covered in sleepingmats and filled with people. Our Indian friends do far more extensivefood preparations than we would think of at a pseudo-campingexperience, so we had several hours of prep for each meal. They wereall very tasty and wonderful, though, so we ate well. We didn't seequite the extent of animals we expected, but we did see monkeys, wildboars, and quite a few deer. Oh, and tons of termite mounds, if thatcounts. Today while we were eating lunch, two of the kids popped upfrom the stoop screaming hysterically. A big monkey had come over andwas closing in on their lunch. Monkeys get rather aggressive here, sothe kids had reason to be scared, but they scared us far more than themonkey did. Pinto kept a baseball bat handy to chase them away asthey kept coming near. :) All in all, it was a fun adventure, and wethoroughly enjoyed some time away with some friends from here.
We're back at the hotel tonight. We have one more full day heretomorrow. John will give a devotion for the staff in the morning.I'll connect with Vika about some things for the Women's Care Project. We all have plans to meet up with various people tomorrow, and thenwe'll have a dinner with the whole core group tomorrow evening. Ithink we may have a little birthday celebration at that time, sinceAbheet (little boy with the head bump) has his birthday tomorrow, andI turn 30 (whoa!) Wednesday. Then we will leave on a train Wednesdaymorning to head back to Delhi. We may try to attend a home groupthere that evening. Then Thursday, the team will visit the Taj Mahal. I've had more than enough Taj to last me a lifetime! :) John and Iwill meet with the staff of the Delhi Vineyard for the day and do someteaching for them. Hopefully, we'll also have some good time to talkwith Rick and Ellen (the leaders of the Delhi Vineyard and key leadersfor the Vineyard in India) about the Vineyard India partnership.Friday will be a free day for some shopping and sightseeing in Delhi,and that will wrap up our time.

January 18
Well, we are wrapping up the trip today, so this will be my last emailfrom India. Our flight leaves tomorrow (Saturday) morning, and we'llarrive back in Los Angeles late Saturday afternoon--gotta love theInternational Date Line when it "gains" you time!
We had a really nice finish to our time in Dehradun. Tuesday we hadtwo friends join us for lunch, Mercy and Lalmony. It was one of theonly times (if not THE only) Lalmony has ever been in a restaurant!She lives in Mothrawala village but came into the city to say goodbyeto us, so we were glad to be able to invite her to lunch with us.Mercy is a dear friend, and I very much enjoyed some time to talk withand pray with her. She is a unique blessing, and I am so thankful forfriendships like this and the chance to deepen them in coming tovisit!
Tuesday evening we had a dinner with the core group for DehradunVineyard. Since Abheet's birthday was that day and mine was the nextday, they got a birthday cake for us that had little race cars on itwith each of us sitting in one of the cars. It was really sweet!I'll have to send pictures when we get back.
John had a rough day Tuesday with fever and stomach problems but seemsto be doing fine again now. We arrived in Delhi Wednesday afternoon.That evening John hunted down some chocolate ice cream in honor of mybirthday. It wasn't exactly the taste we're used to, but it was a funthing to have.
Yesterday, the rest of the team went to Agra to see the Taj Mahalwhile John and I spent the day with our friends Rick and Ellen Coffinand their daughter Amy. Rick is one of the primaryleaders/facilitators for the Vineyard India partnership, so it wasgreat to have some time just to talk with them. Then in the eveningover 20 people from Delhi Vineyard came to the Coffin home to hearJohn give the "Story of the Old Testament." He did a great job, andthey seemed to enjoy it.
The travel back to our hotel that evening was...interesting. We weregoing to take the metro back, and Rick said the metro stays open untilmidnight. We left their home around 10:15. Well, in order to getback to our hotel, we needed to make two transfers. Once we arrivedat the metro station, the guy said, "No, not possible. Too late."Well, since that neighborhood would've been hard to find anautorickshaw at that time, we decided to at least go ahead with thefirst leg of the metro, which we could do and would take us to ahigher traffic area. Well, the basic summary of our experience ingetting an "auto" back to our hotel from there is that four whitepeople late at night have limited bargaining power! :) They wereasking way too much, and while the amount of money doesn't seem likemuch when you convert, it is frustrating to know it is more thandouble what it should cost. I tried to utilize my Hindi, but itdoesn't really hide the fact that I'm white! :) Emily and I startedto get in one auto that seemed to agree to our price, only for us tohave overly friendly hands roaming, realize he was drunk, and stillhave him asking for more money. We quickly got out!!! We finallyagreed with one that we would just go on the meter and pay doublewhatever the meter said. It's ridiculous because they always say it's"night" rate (as if petrol costs more at night) and charge more for"extra" people (though we frequently see autos filled with 10-12Indians). Anyway, we just wanted to get back. When we arrived, themeter said 48, so we gave him 100, and he tried to tell us we owed him30 more! He was arguing all about night rate and all. It was ratherfrustrating. Our hotel, however, is very good to us and took over theconversation with him. They told us we had paid him plenty and tojust go on upstairs and not worry. Ah, transportation in Delhi!
Well, we got an easy start today, spent some time shopping, and hadsome South Indian food for lunch. The poor team hadn't gotten to trySouth Indian yet this trip because I had been rather burned out on itfrom having it every meal during the conference in Mahabalipurim! Idearly love my South Indian friends, but I have to admit that I preferNorth Indian food. :) Dosas and Uttapum, however, are tasty treats,and we got to have some today. Both basically consist of a pancakemade of rice flour. Dosas then are wrapped around filling and arecrispy, and uttapum have the filling cooked into the pancake or ontothe top and are flat.
Anyway, we'll have dinner, some debriefing, and prayer tonight withthe team. Then we'll have an early morning and arrive back home.

Off to India

2007-12-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

So, I'm heading out today. Of course, I didn't pack until last night, and I'm still trying to squeeze in a thing or two today. :)

During last year's trip, both John and I got sick with colds and coughs and such due mostly toweather and environment shift. I am praying for good health for us on this trip.

I am leaving tomorrow by myself in order to attend the India National Vineyard conference, which will be held in Chennai this year. I have never been to the southern part of India, so I am looking forward to seeing a whole new part of the country. Makes it a little challenging to pack light since it is at least a consistent 40 degrees or so warmer than Dehradun this time of year. Anyway, I will fly through London (9-hr layover there) to Delhi. I will then spend the afternoonat the Coffins' home, who are dear friends that have graciously offered for me to relax and shower at their home! I will meet up that evening with friends from Dehradun, and we will all ride together on a train to Chennai (34 hours!). That makes for a long stretch of traveling for me! I do love the train, though, and it will be a funtime to connect with friends.

John will bring the team, three other wonderful people from theVineyard, a week later, and after the long train ride back to Delhi and another on to Dehradun, I will meet up with them there. We'll stay in Dehradun from Jan. 6 until Jan. 16, at which time we'll go to Delhi for a couple days. Then we'll return to LA on Jan. 19.

Here I go... :)

Thanksgiving

2007-11-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

So, a friend of mine emailed me this morning to ask three things I'm thankful for. Thanks, Michele!
At the immediate moment, I'm just really thankful I finished my paper that is due for grad school today! :) Since that happened around 4:30 this morning, I'm not at my clearest, but some other things I'm thankful for:
#1 ---God is teaching me how to walk in His grace. Sometimes the lesson feels slow, and I have a hard time breaking old performance/achievement/perfectionist/workaholic tendencies! But I can see Him shaping me, and the moments of feeling that grace pour over me and replace my sense of who I need to be are very sweet.
#2--The opportunity to learn and enjoy grad school. I am feeling such renewed passion and vision stirring in my heart through the amazing program I'm able to be a part of. It redeems so much from past educational experiences, and God is using it to just grab hold of my heart for His kingdom in a whole new way!
#3--A loving and wonderful husband. I know it sounds a little cheesy, but I'm so thankful for John. I see so many struggling and truly difficult marriages around me, even in the church, and I am so thankful for the way God has blessed us to really enjoy life together. I learn a lot from John, and I am very thankful to be married to him.

Food Journeys!

2007-11-07T10:40:00.001-08:00

So, one of my very favorite things about Los Angeles is that you can find pretty much any kind of ethnic cuisine you can think of. (In defense of the Midwest, the "Old World" immigrant groups like Irish, Italian, Polish, German, etc. are lacking. There are a couple of good places, but the quantity and quality can't even compare to Chicago area.)

Anyway, I really LOVE experiencing a new kind of food from a new place. And, note, it is not just eating but really experiencing the food.

Well, I realized last week that it has been quite awhile since I had actually had a truly new food adventure. I have found new places within familiar realms and have had tons of wonderfully enjoyable food journeys, but there is something very thrilling about a brand new food expedition! Love feeling like a world traveler and, better yet, an explorer, all without leaving the city.

My parents recently visited and are fellow food "explorers"! So, I try to always hit new countries/ethnicities that they haven't experienced before. Well, for this trip, I got to actually experience two that were brand new for me as well! I love it!

I have a dear friend I used to teach with who is Korean, and after 7 years of being in LA, it's actually a little appalling that I hadn't really experienced Korean well. I had Korean bbq, but Michele (the friend) would talk about so much more to Korean food. My Hawaiian friends in college used to offer some yummy samplings (like kimchee), but I needed to really dive in! So, Michele took my parents and I to Koreatown (which I have been around but not ever made the connection to really go and eat there). We went to some tiny little place where my parents and I seemed to be the only ones who didn't speak Korean (love that!). Michele just ordered some typical dishes. It was amazing! I saw them bringing out all these little bowls of side dishes to people, and I thought maybe you had to order some sort of mixed dish or something, but they bring it to everyone! Perfect for someone like me who is not only indecisive but also loves to try a variety of things. You all just use your chopsticks to eat out of the same bowls. Very communal. We had this amazing fish dish (good thing John didn't have to eat with us!). I have seriously never tasted fish that was so flavorful in my life! It was on top of this special kind of radishes and had a delicious sauce. We also had this sizzling rice pot that was very cool and a stew that had tofu and stuff. Then Michele took us for this fruit and shaved ice and red bean dessert, which they served in one big doggie dish (that part's not traditional!). It was really great!

Then, another night, I found an Afghani restaurant online that is in Pasadena. I recently read the Kite Runner (mind-blowingly good novel, by the way) and have been dying to try the food. (Side note: Noticed that several of the whole Balon crew are listed on their blogger profiles as living in Afghanistan. What's with that???) Because of a history with so many foreign conquering powers coming in, they have a mix of several influences in the food, but it is still uniquely theirs in a great way. The Moses family joined us as well, which was fun. Love that their kids were up for the food adventure! The food was delicious! I had these dumplings (the name of the dish is "mantu") that were one of the best tasting dishes I've had in a long time!

I could go on and on! I love food journeys, and I realized how much it made me excited to have some brand new ones! Here are photos of the group at Azeen's Afghani restaurant and my mantu!

Already-Not Yet

2007-10-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

So, as many people know, I recently joined the masters program John has been a part of this past year. If you have to see me or talk to me, I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot more about it, as I am finding myself really blown away by this stuff! I can understand why John's been so uncontrollably excited about it all, and I find myself unable to even truly express much of it yet. Some of it seems so foundational that I am shocked at how profound and revelational it seems to me! It brings framework for so much! I mean, I've always thought of myself as having a decent grasp on and well-thought through theology, but this is HUGE! Of course, I've always believed in the Trinity, but understanding that deeply and the significance of that as a foundation to all--Wow! And kingdom theology. Truly just consuming everything in me right now as I read and process it. We have a class focused on healing this weekend, and I feel such anticipation for it! There is no way to really talk about healing without kingdom theology.

Still very fresh as I'm just now reading some amazing books on it, but really truly digging into the truth that the kingdom of God has come, is here, and is yet to come is really just grabbing hold of me! There aren't multitudes of phases of history. There are two: the present age and the age to come. And, the age to come is already here, but not in its full consummation as the present age has not yet been fully destroyed. So, we live in the tension of the already and not yet. The kingdom is already here and it is yet to come. Seriously, amazing!

Salvation itself is so much more than we often make it; it is no merely a future condition or destination for our souls. For the Hebrews, salvation was a far more holistic concept. Jesus through his ministry on earth, death on the cross, resurrection, and sending the Holy Spirit at Pentecost established victory over and freedom from every device of the enemy and the powers by which he rules this age!!! AND, He continues to redeem fully all that is lost by the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives and in the world. And, all will reach ultimate salvation and resurrection at the final consummation of the kingdom.

"We are here, almost here, delayed, future people. We are saved, being saved, and will be saved. We are holy, being made holy and will be holy. We live between the times. We are already-not yet people…We are becoming what we already are." Derek Morphew

If anyone is reading this and wants to dig into more of what in the world I'm talking about, you just have to read Breakthrough by Derek Morphew and more specifically focusing on a kingdom theology as it relates to healing, Authority to Heal by Ken Blue.

Thunderstorm and Hollandaise Sauce

2007-09-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

We had an actual real thunderstorm this weekend! It was fantastic--rain, wind, thunder, lightening--the real deal! I think I heard it had been 150-some days since we had any rain. I know that most people who live in places that have real weather would despise me for complaining about this, but it really does get a bit boring to have sunny moderate weather all year long. I mean, it's great, but I miss the seasons! Sure, gloomy cold gray February in Indiana sucks, but spring is so much better after you've had a real winter! And, I seriously miss a good thunderstorm. So, Friday night was very exciting!

One of the best parts of rain in L.A. is the day after. It is actually clear. When John and I were driving Saturday, we both sort of exclaimed that L.A. really is quite an amazing-looking city; it's just covered in smog 90% of the time! Ew! It kind of made me think, actually, about the big storm we had, which I find exciting and powerful but does come with its inconveniences (everything floods in this city if too many people spit at the same time!) and even fear for some. Yet, it's exactly what the city needed, and it just stripped away so much of the garbage and impurities clouding the whole city. It made me think of storms in our lives and that sometimes the cleansing God knows we really need is not pleasant and almost never "convenient" but is so necessary to bring out the beauty of what He really has for our lives. Of course, the metaphor breaks down a bit when John points out that filth is all now in the city drinking water! Still, a good thought.

Hollandaise sauce. Why don't I believe books when they say things are hard to make well? John's favorite food (or at least one of his faves) is Eggs Benedict. I had never had it until I decided to try it at IHOP when we were engaged. So, first of all, one has to question my wisdom at supposing that IHOP would be the place to try anytyhing for the first time, but really the problem was that I had gotten food poisening the day before. It hadn't hit yet, though, so I didn't know. While it wasn't the eggs benedict that caused the disgusting and horrible display that followed later that day, it was the last thing that went in before it all started and, therefore, the first thing to come back up. That's another story of which I will spare the details, but the point is that I haven't been eager to try eggs benedict again. However, I know how much John loves them. So, I decided this past week that it is finally time to try them again, and I will make them for brunch Saturday morning. These plans always sound so good in my head! Do other people have filters that actually catch some of the ridiculous thoughts before they get acted on? I see packaged mixes for hollandaise sauce and read books that say it is hard to make the sauce well, and I think, "Well, that would be a wussy way out to make it from a package! The only things in life that are worth doing are hard! (And really, how hard can a sauce with a few ingredients be to make?)" Jump ahead to me asking John to keep the effort in mind while he's scraping up lumpy, weird-looking sauce. It actually tasted ok; maybe we should have just eaten it in the dark! Oh, and I ruined the egg-poaching pan we had! Do normal people have thoughts like, "Oh, they sell packages of this sauce for a reason. I am more concerned with this all coming together for a pleasant eating experience than with proving I can conquer all things."? Just wondering.

Southern Cali Real Estate

2007-09-20T16:32:00.001-07:00

So, John and I finally found a house in our price range in Southern California! We are very proud of our find!

Funny God

2007-09-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

Anyone who thinks God does not have a sense of humor must not have seen "Birds of Paradise" flowers. I think God's creation is amazing and gorgeous and wonderful, but seriously, these are so bizarre-looking!

Back Home Again in Indiana

2007-09-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I guess that only stirs memories of the song if you actually were from Indiana! If you just can't contain your curiosity, you can read about the song at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Back_Home_Again_in_Indiana

Anyway, the 2nd verse is this:
Fancy paints on mem'ry's canvas
Scenes that we hold dear
We recall them in days after
Clearly they appear
And often times I see
A scene that's dear to me

I am here in Indiana for a few short days and was in Iowa for a couple to visit my grandparents. I spent Wednesday with my mom's dad and his wife Vera on their farm, and I spent yesterday with dad's parents in the Mennonite/Amish hub of Kalona, Iowa.

I've just been really struck lately by how unbelievably blessed I am! I have generations of family that I have known who have faithfully served their Lord with their lives. I've been feeling especially nostalgic lately and seeing scenes as memories that are so dear to me. Being on my grandpa's farm which is quite close to where I grew up and where I spent many childhood days brought back floods of wonderful memories--seeing animals born, getting to bottle-feed baby lambs, riding the 3-wheeler, learning to drive, playing croquet and badmitton in the yard, swimming in the pool, "helping" grandpa fix things in the machine shed, corn day--the list goes on and on. My dad's parents don't live in the same place they did when I was a child, but the memories are still there as well. My family isn't perfect, but I had a happy childhood, and I still have an amazing heritage. I'm realizing how rare that is!

I have been really longing to connect with my heritage lately. Los Angeles is a place with very few roots. I am happy there, but I want to remember the groundedness that is connected to where I come from. Maybe I'll make some jam or finally finish the first quilt I started or have a hymn sing or who knows what else. These things don't embody the depth of love and faith that I grew up with and long to keep with me, but they remind me. And that is precious to me. Remembering nurtures gratitude in my heart. Gives me perspective and courage in the midst of a momentary culture. Fills me with a desire to pass on the hope that community and family can exist in a loving and beautiful (even when not perfect) way. Nourishes my soul.

Continuation

2007-08-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

So, to continue on my thoughts on yesterday...

When I came home last night from doing errands, there was a party at our building. That is a pretty common scene. One of the women said they had just planned it that day to surprise one of the ladies for her birthday and would I want to come. So, I decided to go for awhile. John and I have gotten to the point where we get invited to most of the neighbor parties now. We usually try to go for at least a little while, but it can be challenging. I am fairly competent with Spanish, but they get to talking so casually and so quickly, and poor John is done after, Como estas? There is also an interesting dynamic in that we are very highly respected by our neighbors. It is flattering, but it can also make us feel like outsiders, set up on some sort of weird pedastal. We definitely feel under observation much of the time. For example, about a month ago, our downstairs neighbors had a horrible plumbing, flooding mess in their apartment, so I made dinner and took it down to them. According to the teenage girl who lives there (and is the building "informant"), when I left, all of the women gathered around to open the food to find out "what white people eat."

Anyway, last night, as I sat there looking around, I realized it was only the women hanging out together. A man or two would float through, but it was "girl time." Some of the time, I just sat, but I stuck it out for the evening and bonded with these women in a way I haven't before. By the end of the evening, there were just a few of us from the building left really talking, and it just felt right to really be sharing life together. That was after they had taught me the Spanish words for underwear and thong! Fun times! :)

Today, my neighbor kids came over for the weekly arts and crafts time I have with them. It is the last one before school starts, so all 12 of them piled into the living room today. After the art project, I let them decorate sugar cookies. Letting kids loose with cookies, frosting, and sprinkles is like letting a wild tiger loose in a butcher shop. They would look at me with wide eyes and say, "We can put whatever we want on them?" Well, in most cases, that meant put it ALL on!!! I had to include a picture of one of the girls' creations because, as you can see, individual cookies can hardly even be distinguished; it's just one giant blob of frosting and toppings! :)

As I was wiping up random globs of frosting, I couldn't help but feel like I was smiling right along with our amazing Creator! Joel (our pastor) was just talking Sunday night about us being created in the image of God who is amazingly creative. There is something in us as humans that longs to release that. For so many, art and crafts and such are a luxury that gets shoved aside in the struggle to make ends meet. Seeing the kids take such delight in doing the projects is a joy and a pleasure. They don't even know yet that they are made to reflect the image of God, but I can see the glimpses of it. Even in the blob you see pictured, it just struck me in this girl's enthusiasm to just extravagantly "go all out" with her cookies. It just seemed such the heart of our Creator saying, This is the extravagance with which I created each of my precious children. I held back nothing. I went "all out."

Wow!

A "Without" Day

2007-08-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

There are days when things just seem to connect with what it seems life should be about. Yesterday and today have been that way. In many ways, they have been focused "without" (my term for the world around me), but it is impossible to separate the inner life from the outer life, so as I connect with the world around me, things connect inside my own heart and mind, and it all just seems like it makes sense.

Yesterday I spent part of my afternoon at Samosa House, a local Indian grocery and restaurant that has become one of my favorite places. I have been going there every Tuesday to study my Hindi and to practice little bits with the folks who work there when I get up the courage. Yesterday the young girl who has been super friendly to me, though she seems a little shy, was working. I ordered in Hindi, and I tried a new dish that I had never even seen before the previous Tuesday when someone was eating it. She had mentioned recently about a festival that was coming up (lots of festivals in the Hindu calendar!), so I asked her about it. She explained all about it to me. I said that I realized after coming in for several months, I don't actually know her name. She seemed a little caught off guard, but we exchanged names. As I sat down to study my Hindi, thoroughly enjoying my newly discovered Bhel Puri and my weekly dose of Chai, she came to the table and told me that if I ever want any help, she reads, writes, and speaks Hindi and would be happy to help me. I've been practicing little bits with her before, and she's been willing, but this was a very intentional offer made to extend friendship to me. I love the tasty treats at Samosa House, and I'm thrilled to have someone to practice Hindi with, but THIS is it--the real reason I go and keep going! A connection made.

I get carried away and write a lot in these entries! I'm going to go spend time now with one of my favorite small people on the planet--Duncan Lawrence--so I'll have to resume my thoughts on my days later. :)

Within My Cupboard

2007-08-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

So, I have undertaken a project to organize and clean our apartment. I have been purging our dwelling of all unnecessary items, mapping out a plan for organization, and have grand visions of an efficient and spotless Snowden home. I have accepted the current disaster in our apartment as part of the process, and I was starting to feel pretty good about my commitment to a tidier home. I have always been an overcommitted type-A person who has faced the reality that not everything in life can be in perfect order, and the place where that has played out is in my home. Well, now I have determined to tame this unruly area of my life bringing all things to the standard of efficiency and structure I long for.

With my head in the clouds of my dreams for a brighter tomorrow for the Snowden apartment, I noticed a funny smell in the cupboard under the sink yesterday. As I got closer, I realized there was nothing funny about it! Upon further investigation, while holding back the gagging, I discovered an item (completely unidentifiable at this point) in the plastic bag which I brought it home from the store in had actually gotten to the point of liquifying! I cannot even describe to you the putrid smell from the decaying vegetable corpse that soaked into a spot in the cupboard. How does a person, two people nonetheless, not notice something like that before it gets to that state?!

While I do hope to bring greater organization to our apartment, I accept with humility that I do not now nor will I ever have everything "under control." In fact, at the current time, I have a very pungent odor emphasizing that point lest I forget. Anyone know of a way to get the smell of (*&$%) out of wood?

thoughts when not sleeping

2007-08-23T02:20:00.000-07:00

Brace yourselves if you decide to read this. My mood has been bad this evening, and now with finding myself unable to sleep again, it might not be pretty.
Not being able to sleep sucks.

Sometimes I am able to feel peaceful and thankful about it--a quiet time in the day to pray and reflect and think.
Sometimes it comes in quite handy that I seem to require less sleep than the average human being.
Sometimes it just sucks.
Awake, alone with a head full of swirling thoughts. Augh. Rehearsing the lines of an email I should write. What is this bump on my chin? Mentally checking items off my to-do list from today. Why did I wear these pajamas? Adding to my to-do list for tomorrow. Looking at the painting I can see through shadows on the wall, wondering what is the purpose of art? Wondering what the purpose of anything is.
Swirling thoughts. Piles of thoughts. Sometimes the same ones cycle through again and again.
Augh.

As I was driving home from my last Hindi class today, I was thinking about how I just cannot get over my hatred of doing things wrong and how that holds me back. In this case, I really need to get over it and practice speaking. Inherent to the idea of "practice" seems to be that it is not a perfected performance. My Hindi teacher would say so many times, "Don't hesitate. Just say it, and I'll correct it if it's wrong." What?! Do something that might be wrong?! I hate being wrong, and I don't like being corrected! Where does this horrifying fear of failure come from? The logical part of me knows that the world will not implode on account of a few wrong Hindi words coming out of my mouth, but the prideful part of me can't bear the thought of "failing" at something, however small or momentary that thing may be.
Pride sucks.

This need for perfection is arrogant, and it is heavy. It is horrible to constantly feel that I don't meet my expectations for myself. How can I? There is always more I "should" do or "should" know or a way I "should" do something better. Only God is perfect, and I am not Him. Why doesn't that sink in to my thick head to walk in grace and stop striving for perfection, which I think saddens Him, maybe even angers Him at the arrogance of thinking I could ever reach perfection. Then that leads me to be frustrated that I have not yet learned to accept my imperfections and my humanity. I've known this struggle, and I've laid it down so many times, so I chastise myself for picking it back up again. Why can't I get this right? (A not-so-clever "righteous" disguise for my perfectionism.)
Perfectionism sucks.

John tells me that I am very good at self-loathing for not meeting my own impossible standards. He knows how much I like to be good at things. :)

Because he knows that, just to mess with me sometimes, he tells me that I suck at sleeping.

My Language Barrier

2007-08-15T22:54:00.001-07:00

So, I love different languages. Love learning them. Hate sounding stupid. I need to get over it and just try, practice it. I am so busy critiquing my abilities in the language that I withdraw from using it! How pointless does that make learning it!
One of my character flaws, perhaps one of my biggest lifelong struggles is perfectionism. I don't like to do things unless they are done well, nay perfectly! I know how utterly arrogant and ridiculous it is. Yet, it continues to block my path sometimes from just stepping out and taking a risk to do something that might not be perfect but would be so good for my growth and, ultimately, my life journey.
Anyway, I have only one more Hindi class left, and I really want to be able to use it to speak with my friends in India. So I just need to suck up my pride, be willing to sound like a 3-year-old for awhile, pray for a lot of grace (more from my self than from others as they tend to be pretty gracious already), and SPEAK some Hindi!

You Can Take the Girl off the Farm, but...

2007-08-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

I am realizing that growing up in a Midwest farming community with Mennonite culture on top of it has led me to have an abnormal (and at times) unhealthy work ethic. I used to always think that I had a "good" work ethic, but I am realizing that sometimes it is, in fact, not "good." To capture the essence of the approach to work that is ingrained in me, it is basically, "Work. Work hard. Keep working. If things are hard, keep working even harder."

Now, there are some obvious benefits to this approach. I get a lot done. My approach to work combined with my love for efficiency allows me to get much more done in a day than the average human being. Also, there is value in working hard and persevering through obstacles. So many people in modern society bail when things are even inconvenient, let alone truly difficult.

What I'm realizing (not entirely a new revelation) is that work and "doing" and serving all the times can hold a place in my life that is very imbalanced. I lose track of who I should "BE" at times because I am so busy "DOING"! I get very dissatisfied when I am not tangibly accomplishing things that I can cross off my checklists. I even get very critical of people who have less of a threshhold for work, business, facing challenges, etc. They seem lazy to me because, after all, isn't the way I do things the right way? Yeah, I think that's referred to as "judgmental"--Ouch!

Sometimes my stubborn commitment to being tough and working hard even borders on stupidity. (I say borders to make myself feel better--it is stupidity.) About a week ago, we were helping with set up for a community festival. Very few people showed up, and even many who did sort of stood around waiting for some sort of inspiration to strike or something. So, I dive in full force. I'm not going to stand around and wait for people to help me carry tables. I'll just carry them myself. Now, despite my protests at times, I am a city girl. I do not tote bags of feed anymore. I am not in high school, and I do not lift weights anymore. The long rectangular tables are clearly too heavy for me, but I am determined. When clean-up time comes, there are many more people to help, but I proceed with my same stubborn approach. Several guys comment on me carrying them by myself, which only fuels the fire. One of our church elders says, "My, you're strong." I say, "Actually, I'm really not; it's purely stubbornness." Why it doesn't even hit me at that point as being twisted, I can't explain. I consider myself a logical person, but there are times when others things (pride, stubbornness, etc.) seem to completely cloud that. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately so that I will finally learn one of these days), I was hurting quite badly the next day and a day or two after that!

Maybe someday I will learn to give up my stubborn ways and use the good sense God gave me to find some balance in working hard without needing to maintain some crazy old ingrained, unrealistic, unhealthy standard of what a good work ethic really means. Maybe, with a lot of grace, someday I will have a work ethic that is actually "good."

The Title

2007-07-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

So, I think captures (in whatever degree of "cheese" it may) the parts of life...
The inner life and the outer life.

I am longing to have my inner life submitted to the Holy Spirit and be full of His peace. I feel like I have a constant wrestling of ideas and thoughts swirling around in my head. Sometimes from Him. Sometimes from me. Sometimes hard to know the difference. As I sort through them and grow as I wrestle through these thoughts and ideas and seek Him first, perhaps I shall share some of what is going on "within."

And, why isn't "without" the opposite of "within"? For my purposes, it shall be. There is life within me and life around me. This is where kingdom living has to kick in. It can be so easy to have great ideas and values and philosophies about life inside my head, but as I interact with the world around me, I am challenged to know what bearing the image of God really looks like. I am faced with another wrestling that cannot take place only inside my head, and that is what does kingdom "living" really look like? Not just kingdom thinking. Following Christ's example in a world that lives "without" Him. Ah, a double meaning. Ok, well, I'm making up the first meaning, so we'll say it's 1 1/2 meanings.

Anyway, the journey is already under way as I continue to run hard after God both "within" and "without."

Where it all began...

2007-07-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

I think I'll give this a try. I'm very inspired by my beloved Valparaiso friends, so I am venturing out on my own as well.
I have recently resigned from teaching in LA Unified School District and am "in transition." Just seeking God for what is next...